Sticks & Stones.

Not sure.

2010-05-05T02:07:00.000-07:00

and another one...

Not sure if this will be permanent ... but .. I've recently moved to tumblr. Find me here.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this..

2010-03-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

but I'm going...

So, I have this blogpost that I've written, right? I haven't posted it yet due to the fact that I'm not exactly done with it. But I read it over.. and I'm not so sure if I want to post it. even if I ever get done. There are some things that I wrote on it.. and I'm not sure if I feel the same way. Although, my feelings on some of the topics at hand have not changed. Yeah, I don't know. Something outta nothing, I guess. This isn't going to be long. I just wanted to let those of you who read this, though I'm almost certain that it's no one, to know that I'm alive, barely, but nonetheless alive.

I also wanted to say this: I'm still not completely over you. I still hurt; I still feel the pain. But slowly, its gonna go away. And I know that one day, when I do get over you [which I hope is soon] I'll just be THAT much more stronger and THAT much more happy. I'm still in love with you, but sooner or later [preferably sooner] I won't be. & I can't wait for that to happen.

Maybe I'll write again, in this thing. Who knows.

I wish you were invisible ..

2009-10-19T03:38:00.000-07:00

'cause when you're visible, I feel miserable.

I've been lacking sleep since friday the 9th. Ever since I've watched Paranormal Activity, I've been rather paranoid. I sleep a little, but only in the day time, and only when people are present. This obviously poses a slight problem since I have school during the daytime. -.- I know its just a movie. but ugh. Psychological Thrillers? Definitely not the business. It most certainly did its job though. Slasher films still scare me not gonna lie, but not as much as this movie. -.- I don't know. Hopefully, I'll get over it and get some sleep soon.

I'm not sure how I feel right now .. lost and insecure. mosdef. I'm at a loss for words when I try to describe how I feel. I'm not sure if you read this anymore .. but I'm going to write this to you anyway .. I'm hurting a lot more than I expected. I miss you, I wish things didn't end up the way they did. As much as I tell myself I shouldn't, I want you in my life and I want to be in your life. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Gravity.

2009-10-07T01:52:00.000-07:00

"Am I supposed to be torn-apart, broken-hearted, in-a-corner crying? Pardon me if I don't show it."

It is now October 7th. Happy this-could-have-been-4-years Anniversary. Lol. hahahaha. whatevs. :]

So anyway, it's been a minute since I last wrote on this thing. To be honest, I just have nothing to write about. I haven't been doing anything really exciting since my last post. As of the past month and some odd days, I've been pretty busy with school. But, I know you're just dying to know what I've been doing so ... short recap:

- I went to IAG on August 27. I was right. I haven't been able to go again since then. It was nice seeing everybody though. :] I love them. every single one. I can't tell you what happened that night, because... well.. I don't remember. hahaha. :]

- Turns out I didn't have any money for Music Speaks. which I was bummed about. but maybe another time.

- I've become a lot more focused with piano. Right now, I'm learning to play Yanni - One Man's Dream. I've been wanting to learn this song for about 10 years now, I think. :] first page down, three more to go!

- uh.. I've gone on some dates...? lol Boys with braces are not cute. HAHAHA. well cute.. but not.. CUTE. nahmean? creeper. Uhm. some were good. others.. not so good. either way. whatever. lol..... interesting... very interesting ..

- I've been wayyyyy busy with school. mainly.. focusing on two of my classes.. which are 2D Design and Painting. I LOVE LOVE LOVE 2D design. its my favorite class so far... painting? not so much. I'm not really good at it. but 2D design? AMAZING. I find myself just doing my homework for fun. even though its not dueee. That says a lot about the class! hahaha. but we're going to start painting in that class starting next week .. not sure how I feel about that... I guess we'll see how it goes.

That is all. I'm tired. I should be sleeping. i have to study. D; i'll write more later.. perhaps.

29. Enough For Now.

2009-08-27T04:16:00.000-07:00

"Breathing comes in pairs, except for twice: one begins and one's goodbye."

Ello. :]

So lately, it's been a musically packed, fun-filled, stressful few weeks. Academically, it's been shit but whatever. I need to reclaim my life and not let it claim me. I've been stressing out to the point where I don't sleep for a few days. Honestly, I'm still stressed out, but I'm hoping it'll all calm down soon.

So I wrote this paragraph exactly one month ago. It's been sitting there waiting for my return! My life has been the same. Academically its been tough but musically its been amazing. AMAZING. I have basically been on summer break due to school complications. To be quite honest, it was a break I needed. mosdef. I haven't written on here in such a long time. I've never really had much to say. Even now, after so long--after doing so many things--I still don't have much to say.

My last blog was so exciting. hahah I look at it and I can't help but smile [sorry this blog wont be as exciting]. I did so many things that month and I didn't even write about the more EXCITING things I did. :] So what am I gonna do? I'm gonna tell you about them of course!!! :]]]

July 23rd, :]] -- IAG's One Year Anniversary!
One year?! how awesome is that? I don't know what it is but I love the feeling of being able to be a part of something so amazing. I remember the first time I went to It's A Grind. I didn't really know anyone except Bryan and Mel, and a few others. It was awkward, but as time went on these people--every single person who has blessed us with their amazing talent-- have become another family to me. From jamming out to eating dinner family style. I love these people and its been a year that this has been going on. I am lucky to be a part of this. Anyway! the anniversary was awesome! the turn out was AMAZING. It was a full house, opacity was reached AND THEN SOME. and it spilled to the outside where there was tent and about 50 more people. I met some amazing people, played a game or two of Ninja and got to hang out with some good friends. :]] Oh and I forgot to mention the music! Duh, that was the whole point of the thing. Amazing talent filled the night, one after the other. and then we went to In N Out afterwards to eat. and I got to meet and hang out with Alyssa Bernal along with some other amazing people. . :] awesome!

July 25th -- Featured.Acoustic.Playlist!
I'm not gonna lie. FAP was a little bit of a bust for me. Note to self: Don't volunteer to be on staff. hahaha. Its okay though, after all is said and done it was an amazing night of music. The stage was filled with tons of talent. and I am proud to say that these people are my friends. :] A little bummed that we couldn't hang out afterwards but still a good night! :]]]

July 29th -- The FRAY!! @K:!L@#K! L#K !@#$)!@(#$KL:F!!!! aksdjflaksdjfa s
Okay so if you haven't already noticed ... a lot of my blog titles are song titles. and a lot of those song titles are The Fray's song titles. So, if you can't already tell. I love love love The Fray. I have to get my daily dose of them at least once a day if not more. They are the one group that hasn't changed since going mainstream. nahmean? They're still the same. only more amazing! Anyway, I was lucky enough to have a brother who knows me well. a few days prior I had the best wake up text EVER. I remember going to bed in a bad mood and then the next morning I woke up to something like "hey janice, do you want to go see the fray?" Of course, I said yes. but that message was sent an hour or so before I woke up. so when I finally woke up I responded excitedly with "YESSSSS PLEASE!" and my cousin then responded with.. " Oh your brother already got you a ticket." SERIOUSLY?! I love my brother not gonna lie. he knows me well. He said, "I wanted to take you because I know you'd appreciate it". I did I really really did. This concert was like... the one thing that I needed. School has been stressful, money has been tight. and I mean honestly this lifted my spirits like no other. So anyway, the night came. traffic was a bust but we got there in time to see the opening act! :] Jack's Mannequin! They were really good. :]] and my brother and I were like "this group sounds like Something Corporate" and my cousin proceeded to laugh and tell me that the lead singer is from Something Corporate. DUH! -.- what a fail hahaha. but yeah. I'm not gonna lie. Our "seats" were pretty crappy. hahahah. They were lawn seats. but the concert was still SOOOO BOMB. REAL TALK. ugh. I still can't get over how amazing it was. We stood there in the lawn for awhile, but then my cousins and brother sat down but I just stood there and I literally sang every single song. I brought my camera but I was unprepared. and didn't bring enough memory. So I didn't get to record everything. but I got my favorites! :]]] Isaac Slade has THE most amazing voice ever. Swooooon. He did a cover of Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror [rest in paradise] and then covered Kanye West's Heartless! AAAAAAMMMAAZZING. [I'm still excited.. can you tell? :DDDD] gah. I bought a shirt. hahaha. :]] we waited in traffic for about an hour or so to get out of the parking lot. THE END. I will remember this night forever. Thanks Anh Ba♥

August 13th -- IAG with AJ Rafael and Melissa Polinar! :]
So, IAG is usually filled with amazing talent. and this night was one of them. Of course, with AJ Rafael comes a million fangirls ahhaha. D; It was a full house again but when is IAG not packed? Everyone chilled, jammed outside cause we couldn't all fit inside. and It was just a fun night again. I had a good conversation with AJ. and it was bomb. I met some more lovely people and as always listened to some amazing people and their musicssss. Afterwards, we went to Ten Ten and ate some chinese food family style and laughedddd all night long. :] It was a good night. Love these people.

August 20th -- the Valley adventure with Loris and Christopping! My favoritesss.
So, I don't get to see my sister, Michelle, often. She lives pretty far and she's usually really busy. So the only time I really get to see her is if she comes home for a visit but that's only like once or twice a month. So, I decided to give my sister a visit and I brought along Loris and Christops. :]] Traffic was a major bust. haha. but its okay. :] We finally got to my sister's house and we chilled a bit. We learned some basic things about recording, got to listen to some of my sister's originals, and just laughed. We had an INTENSE singing/voice lesson session. lol Screaming at the tops of our lungs. and just when we thought it would never end, my sister took us out to eat. hahaha. She took us to a place called Gyu-Kaku, a Japanese bbq restaurant. :] It was bomb. and then we went back to her place and then we got to chill with my FAVORITESSSS, Cha'n Andre and Andre Hall. :] They're my sister's roommates. I love love love them. Cha'n is one of the most talented people I know, and I am fortunate enough to have him in my life. He is like a brother to me. We've "been through hell and back". No joke. And Andre? well.. hehehe. Loris knows why he's my favorite. HAHAHHAAHHA. put on blast -.- anyway. Cha'n made us each sing. ahahha. how nerve-racking. Loris sang Melissa Polinar's Brave Face with my dad's guitar which means a lot, and Christopping sang John Legend's So High. Both were amazing :] and then Cha'n asked me to sing.. He's never heard me sing before, and while I'm usually too shy to do anything I mustered up enough courage and sang his favorite. And although I pretty much butchered the song, he enjoyed it and that's all that mattered. :] We had a really good conversation with Cha'n. And i think we all realized or learned something. :] That's always good. Then we were on our way home! sorta. hahaha. Loris, Christops, and I had a fun ride home. I almost killed them, that's always fun. -.- AHHA SORRY. stupid GPS. -.- we talked and laughed. and talked. We went to drop off Christops first but eventually stayed for an hour before actually going home hahahahah. We laughed alot. UGH i love these two. and I miss them alottttt. Whenever we're together, we never stop laughing. Real talk. never. and then I dropped off Loris and went home! the end.

Today is thursday. Know what that means? IAG! :]] Probably my last one for awhile. Sigh. but Music Speaks is on Saturday so I'm pretty excited about that. School starts on Monday, so I'm living it up until then.

This is what I've been up to lately. :] Had some REALLY amazing times. mosdef. I can't wait for more times like these.

It seems that life has been treating me better. I'm not gonna lie, I do have those days still where I just want to scream and cry but things are getting better I think. God has definitely been good.

I'm still stressed. A lot of it is about school. Once Monday comes around, I need to crack down. I definitely won't be going out as much. At least I'll try not to. I don't know. I'm kinda of excited about school but at the same time I'm dreading it. I'm taking.. Spanish, Earth Science, Painting, and 2D design. I'm definitely nervous about these art classes. I'm not sure what to expect. I'll be making my appointment with my counselor and a transfer counselor very soon. Hopefully we'll figure out a plan, and give me the peace of mind i most definitely need. I'm so nervous about meeting and talking to them. I hope this doesn't come out to be a disappointment. I need a plan. seriously. I'm about ready to pull out my hair. Sigh. Until then I'm praying.

I have a lot on my mind right now but at the same time.. i don't? I don't know. I just.. don't know where to start. You're back in my life now. I haven't decided what I think of it just yet. I'm still a little scared, but I'm hoping that this won't turn out to be a bust. I'm hoping for the best for now ... who knows what will happen.

I don't really feel like writing anymore, I'm getting tired. Maybe I'll update this later. Goodnight.

28. Happiness damn near destroys you;

2009-07-16T03:45:00.000-07:00

breaks your faith to pieces on the floor. So you tell yourself, that's enough for now. Happiness has a violent roar. Happiness is like the old man told me: "Look for it, but you'll never find it at all. Let it go, live your life and leave it. Then one day, wake up and she'll be home. Home, home, home."

This past week I've been feeling a little under-the-weather. It's been sunny and beautiful outside. And me? Well, I've been moping, and whatever, around. I just .. I still just need relief. I'm waiting for it.. Luckily, I got a little relief the weekend of the fourth and last week and weekend! :]

It started on Friday the 3rd; I drove down with Chris [Adoboy] to San Diego for a meeting with the btvfam for an upcoming show [F.A.P -- which btw you should all go to!]; and although I didn't exactly want to drive all the way down there, I did and it was okay. :] It was more of a hangout than a meeting. hahah. way to get business done. We went over some details of the show and then we chilled and talked for a bit. Afterwards, we hit up Lefty's Pizza and it was pretty good. Food coma for days, but good! :] thanks to Conrad for the suggestion. I REMEMBER HIS NAME NOW LORIS! :]]]] See, I'm not THAT horrible with names. cute too. ahahahaha. We chilled for a little afterwards and then I drove home the end of friday!

Saturday, July 4, 2009 was by far the best July 4th I've EVER had.. EVER! BOMB! literally. lollololasdfol :] Earlier in the afternoonish time, my aunt and her kids came over. We had a little BBQ and then we watched the local parade from my backyard and just chilled. Around 5:30 ish, Michelle, Henry, and I went BACK down to San Diego and we went to Naval Base Point Loma [a submarine base].

[The beach on the way there!][Boobies! :]]] HAHAH. well Boob and a 1/2]Henry was part of the base way back when and his friend George or.. "G" was Lieutenant and he supervised the big .. bomb. bomb! or something. So we went to visit, took a tour of the place. The thing that interested me the most was the "sinking building" by the submarines! lol tight! We ate a little bit and grubbed on hot dogs and hamburgers and RED VELVET CAKE. ughhh. bomb. and then we just chilled some more. around 9PM we watched like 6 different fireworks shows from the harbor! It was amazing.
[This was our view from the top of the hill. Beautiful.] You could hear the music from the club all the way in the harbor. I don't even know how to explain it. It was just amazing. and then we went home, which took like 3 hours due to traffic! boo. but amazing night nonetheless! Many bombs. :]

Sunday was pretty good too! :] My cousin Tracy came down to visit from Chicago with her husband Jaieeee and AVAGIRL! :] It was Ava's 1st birthday!She's a little cutie! She's a chinky white girl. Cutest thing you have EVER seen! Real talk. I just want to take her home... forever! We ate and chilled and ate and chilled. Annie made dessert like always haha. and then she brought out Ava's birthday cake.

LOOK AT HER! She's so adorable! After cake and presents we played taboo. We took turns trying to figure out the words. And eventually we began acting them out. Then it was Tracy and my turn [ we were partners ]. I made the mistake of getting the words "crochet" and "croquet" mixed up. I started acting out "crochet" so I began to pretend to be knitting and such. Then, Tracy looked at me and was like.. wth are you doing. and I looked at the word and realized it was "croquet". And I got all embarrassed so I ran away "I don't want to play anymore!!!" and then yelling "don't laugh at me" from behind the wall in the kitchen AHHAHAHAHA. I got made fun of all night long for that. Oh, I'm so lame. After the game was over a few of us went to Guppies in Hacienda Heights so that Jaie could try it for the first time! :]]] We got shaved ice and brick toast. :] yum. The end of Sunday!

Monday was whatever. I stayed at home and babysat.

On Tuesday, I went to class. Astronomy is lame. :[ And then, there was another BTVfam/FAP meeting. Only this time it was in Cerritos [still kinda far but THANKFULLY it wasn't in SD. Otherwise, I wouldn't have gone. haha] I drove down kind of early so I met up with Loris, who was studying at Starbucks. I attempted to study but that didn't really happen. At around 7pm, Jae, Loris, Mel, Amanda and I met up at Mr. Lee's KBBQ and ate dinner. Then we got our flyers to distribute. Honestly, they never really are actual meetings; they're more like hang-outs.

Thursday I went to school, and then to It's A Grind Open Mic Night. :] Everybody and their momma came. It was so crowded. :] Full of amazing people, and amazing music. And then we chilled at Albertaco's afterwards. :] Guacamole is a NO. NEVER AGAIN. ugh. I still feel it bubbling. ;[ sigh. But we jammed forever that night at Albertaco's. Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Jason Mraz, Freestyling, everything. We had our own band too. 3 guitars, 1 ukulele, and a cajon. Bomb night of music. :]

Friday was a little bit of a bust. It started out good, but ended on a sour note. I went to Boiling Crab with my sister, her kids, and my brother. Attempted to sell tickets, but people were being a little stingy! D; and then we drove home. On my way out of the car to go into the house, I began searching myself for my keys because I remembered that I had them when I left the house. But then it dawned on me, I went to my car to grab the tickets and flyers before I left. So, I looked in the window of my car. Lo and behold, my keys sat, staring at me from the driver's seat, virtually slapping me in the face; I left my keys in the car. Now, I have a manual key. I don't have the ones with the button. So, whenever I get out of my car I would have to press the lock button on the door. This has become a habit for me; it's automatic for me now. I get out, press the lock button, and I'm on my way. The habit kicked me in the face that night. But whatever. I twittered it. and my cousins offered to come help me.

Saturday was better. My cousin, Tish came over in the AM/afternoonish time. And she called AAA for me to get my key. :]] Thanks Tish, I owe you big! And Aimee too. LOVE YOU. :]] After my sister, her kids, and I went to TGIFridays and ate dinner. Afterwards, I took the kids to watch Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. or something. In 3D. It was cute and funny. But we missed like the first 1/3 of it. It's okay though. I still liked it. :]

Sunday was fun, frustrating, and tiring. :] I was supposed to go to Venice Beach, but since it was a BEAUTIFUL day outside everyone and their mamas were there. So we had to go to Huntington Beach instead. :]
I was a little frustrated over that but whatever! It was a nice day. My sister, her boyfriend, her kids, and I went walking and bicycling for a few miles! :] Altogether 6-7 ish miles. my legs are dead. D; still. lol and then afterwards chilled at Malcom's house and then I went home. the end!

Just thought I'd update you on what I've been up to. I've had a lot on my mind lately but I'm not quite sure how to express how I feel. In time, I'll find the right words but until then these thoughts are crowding up in my mind. Be nice and let me vent out to you. :]

27. Someday when this is over,

2009-06-29T00:03:00.000-07:00

we may still have no answer.

To be quite honest, I'm not in a good mood today and only one person knows why. Well maybe two. I feel a little out of it today. A lot has been going on in my life as of late. I try to talk to people about it but usually I bottle it up. I know that's not a good thing to do, but it's the only way to deal with things sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on my own eggshells, waiting for some kind of explosion. I'm falling apart and I just need relief. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get relief.

I said that I would stop letting certain things affect my life, but I think it's gotten worse. School is being pushed aside because of these certain things. and I am not down with that. I remember once when I tried taking interest in something because it was something you enjoyed. And I talked about it to you, and you told me not to steal other people's ideas and call them my own. honestly? you're the one to talk. -.- It irks me so much when I see just how hypocritical you really are. Also, I wasn't claiming that they were MY ideas, I was simply stating things that I had read and thought they were interesting concepts. Sometimes I think you need to grow up [not saying that I don't need to.] Also, when I refer to someone on here by saying "you" it doesn't always mean you. In this case, it does mean you. Make sense? good.

Anyway, this weekend was eventful to say the least. My cousin got married on Saturday. They are such a cute couple, no joke. I only wish is that I were closer to her like I am with the rest of my cousins. Then after the wedding reception I left around 11:20pm, and went home and got ready to hang out with someone! :] He was visiting because his cousin also got married and I was fortunate enough to spend all night with him. It was a good night, for the most part. Even though I had to drive every where and back and I was trying to not be shy haha. thanks for making me feel more comfortable. Even with everything that happened, I'm glad I got to spend time with you. :] I just hope we get to hang out again soon.. and talk more.

...back to you, it always comes around, back to you.

I finally cut off the bracelet that I have been wearing for quite some time now. For those of you who don't know, this is a huge deal for me. To many of you a bracelet is just a mere material object; this is true, but what's also true is that this bracelet means a lot to me. It symbolizes a lot of things: a past relationship, the good/bad times, hurt, pain, love, happiness, a smile, a poem, a song, a kiss, a hug, holding hands, a night with him, a day with him, HIM. You. Three years, six months, one week, and one day of my life; our life. I'm not saying that I finally realized that this was it, that it's officially over. But to me, it means that I want to move on. I want to be happy again, truly happy. I'm not going to lie; I'm still hurt over it, but I'm ready for the pain to go away. I've been ready, but never enough to do something about it not until now. I'm no longer in love with you, I don't love you, I care for you immensely, but you're done running my life. "You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains" That's done; no more of that. I may have not been completely ready to take it off, but I needed it. I needed to take action and just do it. I need to move on. Completely & Whole-heartedly. I'm not going to wonder if you'll ever talk to me again. You can sit and wonder if I'll ever talk to you. I'm done.

-- Later Days.

[26] I can tell, I can tell how much you hate this ..

2009-06-27T06:05:00.000-07:00

& deep down inside you know it's killing me. I can call, wish you well, and try to change this but nothing I can say would change anything.

mm. It's 6:12am. womp. I didn't go to sleep. but I'm starting to feel tired ;| My room was sorta messy, and I got irritated so I cleaned it pretty much. and then I took a shower! :].

Thursday was quite a busy day. I went to school at 2:30; we learned about various dead white men who thought the Sun and planets revolved around the Earth. [ie. Aristotle, Keplar and others that I can't remember at the moment] Then he let us out 40 minutes early! "woohoo" [HAHAHAHAHHAH, LORIS!] and then I went home and chilled for a bit. Thennnn I got ready for Annie's Birthday dinner at some KBBQ place in lakewood. It was alright, but it was also a bad idea to go before I went clubbing. I only wanted to stop by just for a little bit and then leave but I ended up staying for longer than I expected. No big, I had a good time with good people :] But like I said it was a bad idea to go there before clubbing. In order to eat KBBQ, you must go there with the intention of getting a little STANK. ;| I brought extra clothes, but I totally forgot about my hair. And do you know how hard it is to get out STANK in your hair?! [ie. bonfires, asian food places, KBBQ D; ] I tried to get the stank out and although it helped a little it still had that smell. at least it wasn't a horrible smell. HAHA. My cousins were saying things like "it'll attract the boys. like 'MMMM MEAT' " HAHAH these people. gotta love em. So yeah, I left early and went to Target for a quick second and hit up Incahoots in Fullerton for Elysse's Birthday. WOMP. for future reference: know the name of the promoters and go early. -.- SIGH. what a bust. I know I'm only 20 but I felt so old there. little 16 year olds running around! really?! the bouncer drew happy faces on my hand like this "=)" only cuter! that made me smile for some reason. I got in and had to look for Elysse cause her phone died. Found her dancing alone somewhere while the rest of her group stood around HAHA. it was cute. yay for drunk people. naht. I met some pretty lovely people. :]]] that's always nice. I danced and chilled some. dang my legs? SORE. real talk. ;| I was kinda bored cause they were all drunk or buzzed and so I didn't go crazy like they did lol. So I stopped dancing for awhile and just chilled a little babysitting of the drunk birthday girl. DANG CREEPERS. forreal. and then I just stood there for awhile a some cute guy bumped his shoulder into mine and then we danced! ;]]] smooth. that was fun. ;]]. and then we left around 1:30am ish, and chilled for a little outside some guy's house. [I don't remember his name, but it started with a G or maybe a J] and they drank a little and then we bounced. :] The end. :]]] although the club was kinda lame and not poppin' I had fun. :] I'm going to take you Loris. but somewhere better. hahah. :]]] IT'S ON OUR LIST! :]]] k.

I get pretty excited when you talk to me, even if it's just to say hi. :] That pretty much makes my day. Real talk. You're in town, but I don't get to see you. ;[ That's junk, but it's okay. I'll wait for a chance when I do get to see you, 'cause then it'll be THAT much better. :]

Good Morning Star Shine!
♥; - Janice.

[25] I wish I could rip out a page of my memory ..

2009-06-26T18:23:00.000-07:00

'cause I put too much energy in him & me. Can't wait till I get through this phase 'cause it's killing me too bad we can't rewrite our own history... chances fading out, patience running out. This ain't how it's supposed to be.

Honestly, I don't know what to write. I don't really want to blog right now but I have nothing better to do. D; Summer school has started and I'm taking Astronomy: Stars and Galaxies. As much as I want to say that I'm enjoying it and learning a lot, it's actually kind of REALLY boring. Well at least most of it is. I guess the one thing that keeps me interested in this class is the fact that I can't wrap my mind around the fact that we're only a small PART of the galaxy, or whatever, that's just a smaller part of something else, something amazing. Nahmean?!That there's so much out there beyond what we actually see in the night [Well from what we CAN see that is. dang pollution.]. It's just really amazing. I sound like a total nerd probably. But think about it! GAH! It's mind boggling. ahah mind boggling.

Anyway, school isn't as stressful yet. but if you know me then you know I'm already stressing. In fact, I'm starting to have anxiety again. -.- I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I the only one that this happens to? I'm trippin'. straight up.

I've noticed that ever since I've started hanging out with Loris, I've started to pick up words and phrases that she uses. She's a freakin Gangster! Straight thuggin' OMG. okay she doesn't talk like that lol but she does talk pretty "gangster-ish". So I've picked up things like "straight up" and "mosdef" hahaha. I don't mean to but they just come out now!! [not that its a bad thing (: ] hahah it's just different. I mean before hanging out with her i would say things like "indeed" and other various proper things. now I feel somewhat thug. HAHAH so lame!!!! i love loris. :]]]]] <-- I know you're reading this and probably laughing. now let's go hunt for boys like the creepers we are!

So for awhile now, I've been having a little extra time on my hands. and the day before yesterday which would be Wednesday. I had nothing to do. So what did I do all day long? I read. Yup, I, Janice, do read. and I enjoy it. Very much so. I bought myself a bookshelf not too long ago, and I already need another one. Sometimes I purchase books, but I never get the chance to read them. And some time ago, I purchased some books by Dan Brown, but they were just sitting in my bookshelf collecting dust. Well on Wednesday I decided to read one of those books. It is entitled Digital Fortress. Sounds completely dorky and what not, but I happen to think that that may be my most favorite book by Dan Brown EVER. I've read The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons and they were REALLY good. but Digital Fortress?!?! I COULDN'T PUT THAT BOOK DOWN! Real talk. It was just filled with UGH.. I DON'T KNOW. AMAZINGNESS! It was one of those books that you just wanted to figure out what happens! Seriously? I wanted the book to end and go on forever. That's contradictory but FREAKIN UGH! I just kept reading and reading. I couldn't stop. My heart was racing, hands were shaking, and I was even biting my lip nervously. to the point where I started bleeding, no joke. I had to see what happened next! It was like.. woah slap in the face! IRONY! Good book! READ IT. :] I think I can die happy now. That was honestly a good book. Real talk. I LOVE SOLVING CODES. 8] And now I want to watch Angels and Demons! What's funny is that I was never allowed to read The Da Vinci Code or Angels and Demons, because of all the controversy over them. & being the pious Catholic my mom is, she said I couldn't read them. So while most kids rebel by going out late and never coming home, I rebel by staying home and reading. BAHAH. I'm so lame, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Well, I'm done for the night. I think I'm going to go watch Transformers II with my favorites! I'll write about my clubbing adventure later! :]

Later Days!
♥; - Janice.

[24] I want to know your plans

2009-06-20T15:51:00.000-07:00

& how involved in them I am ... You're what keeps me believing the world's not long dead. Strength in my bones & the words in my head--they pour out to paper; it's all for you. 'Cause that's what you do.

Summer break was okay. I caught up on sleep, sort of. I did a few fun things, a few not-so-fun things, and met some amazing people. My one goal for this summer was to get a job. Uh.. didn't happen. I know summer isn't over yet so I still have time but I'm not sure if I'll have time with school and such. My other goal? Well, I've started working on it. I could definitely do better, but at least I'm doing it, right? Right.

I feel like I just started my day, but its already 3:40pm. Ugh. I haven't really done anything today so it kind of feels like a waste of a day. I think I'm going to go to the gym after I write this. Yup.

My blogs still lack inspiration. Usually I only write at night when I can't sleep but I'm doing this now just to annoy Steve. :] hahhh.

So, this one is for him.

Dear Steve,
This isn't weird! [okay, maybe its a little weird. But I'm trying to open up! so maybe this is a good thing! geez.] And I won't give it up. I already gave up something else for you! I think that was better than this. :] Besides, how do you expect me to vent my feelings? Unless you want to call me and let me vent out to you while we have more awkward moments on the phone? In that case, I will give it up. =P Don't be mean to me! ;[ & CALL ME .... now. K? thanks.

♥-- Janice.

P.S. You did tell me your last name! hmph.

GYM.... NOW. bye.

Oh, and I'm intrigued. very.

[23] In the end,

2009-06-14T18:32:00.000-07:00

everyone ends up being alone. Losing him, the only one who's ever known who I am, who I'm not, who I wanna be; No way to know how long he will be next to me. Lost and insecure, you found me. You found me, lying on the floor surrounded. Surrounded. Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late, you found me. You found me.

The Fray - You Found Me. Now that's real talk. Lately, I've been listening to songs that just basically describe things going on in my life. It's like these songs were written especially for me. They used to bother me, and I would immediately skip to the next song. But lately, not so much. I admit sometimes I feel a little nostalgic. But I'm okay. Things are tough, but things will be okay.

I've learned that people will come and go and things will change. There are only two things in this life that are constant: change and God.

Things will always change. I can either accept it or leave it. So far, I've been leaving it. To be honest, I can't stand change. It's hard for me to accept it and move on. This is why I hold grudges, why I can't forgive and forget. I never forget. I don't know.

The past is the past. I can't change it. I need to move on. I need to get on with my life. I'm tired of wondering "what if", tired of waiting, tired of hurting, tired of crying [although, I haven't cried in a good while. Still tired of it]. I'm just tired. I want to be happy. That's all. [but apparently that's too much to ask for]. It's okay, I'll be patient [me? patient? lol]. Got to learn.

I'm still out of wack with my faith. I mean.. I know He exists and everything but I don't know. My attendance at church has been iffy. I go, and then sometimes I don't go. I usually go by myself 'cause none of my siblings go anymore usually. and my parents go to our old Church because of the Vietnamese mass. So, I have to go on my own. and I mean there's nothing wrong with that. I actually enjoy going by myself. But I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I need to get back on track though. mos def. I find myself more sane when I go to church. I feel like everything going to be okay when I'm there. and I need that assurance. I need someone to tell me that it's going to be okay even if it's not. and He does that for me. sounds lame. but its true. He is my foundation; He is what holds me up; I need Him back in my life

I'm not sure what to write about anymore ... I'm definitely feeling out of it. I'm so sore. I can barely move. I went to the gym yesterday morning and I made the mistake of working out every area instead of focusing on one area like I was supposed to. and now I can't move. ;| and I did it again today fail. its okay. I've learned now. lol just gotta remember tomorrow only ONE area. I just want to sleep for ever.

Tomorrow I'm getting a Crown 'cause I'm a princess. :] NAHT. Momma says it don't hurt but I'mmmaaaa scared. lol AGHHHH. THERE ISN'T ENOUGH ROOM I TELL YOUUU. SIGHH. moving on.

I am a shy person. Thus, the reason why I don't particularly like talking on the phone. But lately, I've actually been enjoying it. :] Before, I hated talking on the phone. Sometimes, I would even just turn off my cell, just so that I wouldn't have to pick up/call anyone. and then that turned into .. I like talking on the phone... I just don't like talking. So someone would call me and we'd sit in silence! ahahha so lame. but i enjoyed it at the time and whoever called me put up with it because they were nice haha. :] Then, it progressed into ... "someone call me. I'll talk to you a little bit and you can talk the rest!" [this is all really lame-sounding, I know]. But lately, it's been different [wayyyyyy different]. I actually really enjoy talking on the phone now. It's usually guys though. I don't think I've held a phone conversation with a girl for more than 20 minutes ever. It's always been guys that I've talked to on the phone. I don't know why. I've always had a lot of guy friends. I mean I had a lot of girl friends too but I was always closer to more guys than girls [lisa/tina & some others were an exception]. I talk to a lot of guys on the phone [I'm not bragging, 'cause that would be lame, I'm just saying] & usually if willing I'll spill my guts to them. This is awkward for me. If you know me, then you know that I don't like opening up. But it's been easier. I enjoy it talking to them. Now its "Let's TALK on the phone all the time!". :]

"San Jose" calls me every now and then but he's the type to call me and we sit in silence or he'll do most of the talking. I talk sometimes, but I don't know. He's funny. It's sort of nice that he doesn't expect me to talk even if we're on the phone for 7 hours doing nothing. That makes me want to talk more :D uhm. k. I just like simple conversations. Tell me a joke. I swear I'll laugh.;[ Real talk. haha. This is a big change for me. So, let's conversate :] Call me now! :] <-- that reminded me Ms. Chloe the psychic reader. lol okay moving on.

I went to Kathleen's party yesterday. lol No one told me it was okay to come super late. I thought I was already late. PSH. anyway. It was fun. :] I got to see some of my old friends from high school whom I haven't seen/talk to in foreverrrrrr. and I got to meet new people! lovely people. :] YOU'RE A JERK!. :]

I'm tired of writing now. ;| This was a lame blog.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT. UGH.

I'm seriously tired of this shit, of your shit. Get over yourself. REAL TALK.

-- Janice ♥

PS. STEVE :] You're mean.

[22] Calm before the Storm.

2009-06-13T06:03:00.000-07:00

I'm running around in circles; trying, contemplating, wondering.

Well, it's 6am. I have been awake for about two hours now. I cannot go back to sleep for some reason. I went to bed early last night; I think it was around 10pm. I don't know why I went to bed at that time, just tired I guess.

The last two days have been a bust. I had plans for Thursday and Friday but they were both canceled. It's cool though. Things happen. But I'm not gonna lie, I was kinda bummed. It's alright though, another time I guess, another time.

Tuesday was pretty fun; I did not go to sleep Monday night so I was pretty tired all of Tuesday. I went to the dentist and got my teets cleaned. and I took a small nap 12pm - 4pm [I guess that's not small but whatever ]. And then I got ready and went down to the Chronic Cantina in Newport Beach for Tina's birthday dinner and the game [I couldn't get in at first because it's a bar, and the guy wouldn't let me in. Eventually he let me in but threatened me that if he saw me with a drink in my hand he would kick me and the rest of the party out. Like I was going to drink anyway. -.-] So we ate a little and watched the game, then we headed out to Huntington Beach for a bonfire. It was freakin cold, but we kept adding wood to our fire; it was huge. We stayed there till about 10pm then headed over to DC's friend Mike's beach house in Newport Beach. We chilled there for a while they drank some.

According to DC, I am "blast from the past". We used to be pretty good friends in Jr. High. :] and High School was bleh we didn't talk much then. So, it was nice seeing him again. :] and Bryan Horton! :]] We go back to like elementary school days. I haven't talked to him in forever.

After that we left, and I went home! :] The End of Tuesday.

The rest of the week was a bust, but today I'm heading over to Kathleen's for her party. Shoot, I get to see all my high school friends again. I miss them. Jungle Theme? probably not gonna dress up, lol but sounds cute anyway! :]

My blogs hold no substance anymore. It's all just me telling you what I've been doing; not much feeling anymore -.- I have been lacking inspiration as of late. I don't know. I mean there's a lot going on in my head but I just don't feel like talking about it on here basically.. to myself? I don't know maybe just.. not yet at least. Hopefully, I get back on the inspiration grind again.

Speaking of grind, I need to work out. I'm feeling lazy, and not productive. Maybe I'll take a quick nap & go to the gym before I head over to Kathleen's. That sounds like a plan.

I think I have something to tell you. Can you keep a secret? Will you talk to me, just for one day? I know this sounds like an excuse, but I just need to talk. Just talk to me. I'll be waiting ...

-- Janice. ♥

PS. I miss you Randolph! :] & others.

[21] Drowning.

2009-06-09T05:45:00.000-07:00

Back to you, it always comes around back to you.

5:48am. Cannot sleep, I even took pills last night to help me. Insomnia has pretty much taken over my life. It's gotten so bad that sometimes I can't function right during the day. Ugh, I just want to sleep forever. That sounds absolutely amazing. Of course, things do not really work out that way.

I feel so congested in both my sinus areas and my chest. I keep coughing [hurray for phlegm.. NAHT ]. I have so much I honestly do not know where it comes from! ;| womp. Ugh, I think the pills are kicking in like NOW. Too bad I cannot go to sleep. I have to get ready for a dentist appointment around 9ish. I mean its only 6am but I'll never wake up.

Also, it's Bac Thanh, Tina, and Kathleen's birthday today. Happy Birthday to all of you. :]]]

Bac Thanh, I miss you. I wish I could see you again. I'm sorry I never took you grocery shopping. It seems like only yesterday when you were still here. We miss you a lot, especially Huan. He's working really hard to make you proud. Come visit me in my dreams. Rest in Paradise. :]

This week is so .. packed with fun filled things! :] I'm excited.

Tina is having a beach/bonfire party thing today and I am contemplating whether or not I should go. I want to, but I'm not sure I'll be able to stay awake while driving. ;|But I haven't seen her in such a long time. :[ I miss her a lot. Maybe I'll go, just for a little bit. :]

Thursday I'm going to the Aquarium of the Pacific with Loris, Chris, and maybe Renabetter & Christops! :] how exciting. They're my favorites. YEY. I'm really excited. ahaha.

Friday, Tina is having a Birthday Dinner Party. :] The theme? I guess like Midsummer Night's Dream! That's cute. Fairies. lol. :] hahah I'm not sure I'll dress like a fairy, but okay! lol.

Saturday, Kathleen is having party at her house! :]] Her theme is Jungle Theme! :] that sounds like fun. I feel like.. rolling around in the dirt and stuff.. but.. NAHT. I don't think that has anything to do with the jungle... but whatever. lol :] I haven't seen Kathleen in the longest time. :] I miss her too.

Basically, I miss everyone [except a few ]. I haven't seen/talked to a lot of people in a long, long time.

Crap, I forgot what I was going to say. ;| Uh...

Ughhh I'm so sleepy now. -.-

Dear "You" -- I hope you are okay. I know you're stressed and everything but I'm just worried about you. I wish you would tell me what's wrong. But I understand why you can't/won't tell me. Just know that no matter what, good or bad, I am here for you. I know things are tough right now, but I'm still here by your side if you need anything. Shoot, I'll even drive all the way over there if you need me to. :] Call/text me if you need anything. :] miss you. mosdef.

Okay, brain is dead now. I need a nap. bye! Oh watch Law&Order:SVU! and watch the episode called Swing. Ugh I cried. its not even that sad. lol ;| lame.

One shot to your heart without breaking your skin; [20]

2009-06-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

kept it inside didn't tell no one else; didn't even want to admit it to yourself;& now your chest burns and your back aches from fifteen years of holding the pain; & now you only have yourself to blame if you continue to live this way. Get it together.

8:15am. Bleh, I went to sleep at like 10:30pm last night and I woke up at 3am [Ugh. If you know me, you know that I hate that time.]. Lately, I've been waking up at that time and I am not sure why. Usually, I'll go back to sleep but I don't know, not tonight. I feel nauseous though, maybe cause I haven't eaten since Thursday, or I'm sleepy. whatever.

I'm also a little stressed [like always] because I haven't finished reading and I have yet to start my last essay for history. To be honest, I am not even sure what to write about. The professor let this essay be a "make up your own thesis" type of essay. So, it can be about anything along the lines of the book, Amistad. I am almost done with the book, I think I have like two more chapters or so left. & it's not like its a horrible book, it's actually REALLY interesting and I like reading it. I guess I am just lazy. Anyway, it's due on Sunday and it's already Saturday... CRAP. :[ -sigh.

I should stay home today and read and do my essay. Dangit! I know I should not be going to Loris' birthday party today, but.. shoot. I don't care. haha. I miss her! even though, I saw her at IAG on Thursday. hahah. :] Today is going to make up for the fact that I cannot go to Venice Beach on Sunday to go bicycling because I have to stay home and write my essay. BOO YOU SCHOOL. ugh. It's okay. I will go next weekend.

I miss "You". :[ I am going over there to visit soon. TRUST. I will, even if it kills me. lol. I WILL ;[

Anyway, I think I am going to take a nap before I start getting ready for the birthay party. :]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
LORIS SAPRID!!!!!!!!!
:]! love you. ♥

-- janice♥

P.S. I miss you all of you. Except a few. :] BYE! :]

[19] This is my Winter Song to you ..

2009-06-05T04:57:00.000-07:00

the storm is coming through; it rolls in from the sea. My love, a beacon in the night; my words will be your light, to carry you to me. Is love alive?

It's like 5:16am ish. I can't seem to sleep, although I did sleep for about 2 hours 1- 3am [just my luck to wake up at 3am, right? ]. I had a weird dream about my brother and his girlfriend, and some other odd people. It was just weird. I guess it was from watching Law & Order: SVU before going to bed, which btw I am watching right now [I love Eliott Stabler, mos def]. ;]

Anyway, I feel like I am at a crossroads at this point in my life. A friend asked me recently what I was going to school for. Like usual, I told him Graphic Design. And the next obvious question was, "Oh, for what?" My point exactly. For what? I really don't know. For a lot of things I guess. I kind of don't want to limit myself to only being a Graphic Designer. I want to be a creative director, a marketer, advertiser, stylist. I even want to open my own clothing line. The limits are endless, really. I mean I know I can be anything I want to be, but I guess I don't know how to get there. I guess you can say that I'm scared of my future. Shoot, I haven't gone to see my school counselor in over a year. I'm scared of discussing my future and finding out that maybe my desired career path is not realistic. I don't know. I guess another reason why I haven't seen my counselor is because well.. I'm not the greatest student. I don't get straight A's and I sometimes drop classes. I know, it sounds horrible and it is. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty pathetic at school. -.- I mean I try my hardest, but sometimes my hardest is not good enough. but who hasn't dealt with that. ...

----------

well I wrote that last night, but I'll try again. I still feel the same way. I mean my feelings and thoughts would not change after a day, right? Right.

Do you honestly think that I'm an idiot or something? You think that you can "hide" it from me. You act like you're protecting me. You are a selfish jerk. To go about things the way you've been going about them. You act like you're this amazing person, but you're not. You are a jerk. Ugh, I get nauseous just ugh. moving on.

On a good note, I had a good day today. or rather yesterday! :] I went to IAG again! :] Ray sang a cover of Gabe Bondoc's "Gentlemen Don't" and dedicated it to me♥ LOVE YOU RAY OF SUNSHINE ;]]] and I got to see Loris! and of course some amazingggg others. :]. I also got to meet some pretty amazing people as well. They were the type of people that make you feel good when you see them, even if you've only just met them! awesome. :] I had fun. Laughed a lot a lot tonight. Felt good, I needed it. ;] anyway.. I'm watching Law & Order: SVU again so I'm leaving, bye. :]

In the night I hear them talk the coldest story ever told .. [18]

2009-06-03T04:21:00.000-07:00

somewhere far along this road she lost her soul to a man so heartless...

So, I did indeed have a nice long sleep! 15 hours to be exact! honestly... it felt BOMB. ugh I was so refreshed. The next night? .. not so much. haha. It's already 4:21am and I need to wake up early to study for my Human Sexuality Final. Will I do good? I hope so. I'm starting to stress a little, but only over history. And only because of the Essay. I have T-minus 4 days to write my paper. EEP. bad decisions you've made Janice. Good job.

Anyway, my throat is hella killing me. It hurts so bad. It's like swollen or something. Doctor? Maybe. I'm not sure. We'll see how I feel when I wake up.

Today, I could not help but let out a little laughter. Karma, at its best. Real Talk. As bad as I feel, part of me thinks it was well deserved. HAHAH. moving on.

I'm kinda really excited about this weekend?! Well I'm excited only if I finish my essay on time but whatever. Loris' Birthday Picnic on Saturday, and then Beach Cruisin/test drive a beach cruiser/remember how to ride a bike on Sunday! Hopefully. so far for calculations, 2 miles walking to get the bikes and 6 miles+ beach cruising. SOUNDS LIKE DEATH. hopefully I can do it. AHHA -.-

okay, I'll write more later. my throat is punching me in the neck. RIGHT!?. ugh. goodnight.

[17] Wish I Had The Courage..

2009-06-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

to say everything I planned to..

I'm definitely feelin' Drake's album So Far Gone. :] especially the song Best I Ever Had [of course] and Let's Call It Off [hence the title.] It's good. He's good. MHM. :] I remember when he used to play Jimmy Brooks or something on Degrassi. hahah. :] It was like my FAVORITE show of all time. and I was sad when he was in the wheel chair. good show. Real Talk.

I'm kind of frustrated right now. Just how everything went down, definitely makes me look at you differently [and not in a good way]. I don't know. It's 12AM. Know what that means? It means that it's officially June. May is over. When May first came around I was hoping it would be a lot better than April. To be honest, it was okay. It had its ups and down. mos def. A lot of downs, but some good ups too. I got to talk to people that seriously make me smile but of course that means that I also got to talk to people that are huge downers in my life. But whatever. The past is the past and I just have to keep moving on. and I think I'm really okay with it now. Whatever ya know? You do what you do, and I'm going to do what I'm going to do. Life moves on. and I'm moving! :] SO ... I'm pretty effing tired. and I think I'm going to start off my June to a nice long SLEEEEEEEEEP. GOODNIGHT.

HAPPY JUNE! :]

..\\ // janiceOUT. :]

P.S. I miss a few of you. :] Especially Randolphin! and Lisa! and Tina! and a fewwwww others. ;]]]]] okay not like you guys read this but.. just thought i'd let the world know. lovee you.

Everytime I hear your name; [16]

2009-05-30T07:07:00.000-07:00

I want to scream out loud..
[ and not in a good way.. ]

Well, I still have some pent up emotions/feelings/thoughts, but I think they're different this time around. Things definitely happen for a reason. And although it is hard, I am okay with it. I think that I can say that I am finally content with myself [for the most part ] and what's going on. It's been a rough few weeks/months, but I've learned a lot about myself in the short amount of time; and I'd like to think that I have grown significantly in the last few weeks, and it is all because of .. well definitely not because of you.

It is 6:30am and I am not quite sure why I am writing this, or even why I am up at this time. I guess I cannot sleep, but I am not really that tired either. I kind of feel like working out [me? work out? hahah I know right? ]. lol but seriously, I really do. I need to change my life [ for the better ]. I am 20 years old and I am just beginning my life. I have realized that before I can be happy with someone else, I have to first be happy with myself. And you know what? I am ready. I'm ready to be happy, genuinely happy. No more quick fix happiness for me. I want to feel it, not just think it.

Actually, I am kind of happy already and its because of "you". I get excited whenever we talk, and I can't seem to wipe that cheesy smile off my face whenever "you" call. Especially when I get those random texts in the middle of the night from "you". :] I like this feeling; it's a good feeling. :] I've got the giggles. HAHA. so lame.

ANYWAY, last night I went on btv and Ron was on :] and he sang his song for me! It is such a good song [ although, I am not quite sure what it is called. But I call it the Mona Lisa ] hhah. It's cute. :] I love that kidd. real talk. I haven't seen him in such a long time, I miss him! gah!

I went to IAG Thursday night. It was fun. I have not been there in such a long time. And then afterwards, I went to have a late night dinner at 10pm with Mel, Karol and her friend Wayne, Conraddd, Deland, Melissa, some guy [I forget his name, ugh sorry. ] and my favorite, Bryan Keith! ♥. Amazing food. yum. :] and then afterwards we all walked to Yogurtland like a block away. And chilled forever. :] and walked back! The end! Amazing night. :] I have such talented friends!♥! lovee you all. :]]]

ONE MORE WEEK OF SCHOOL! YEE. and not at the same time. I need more time hahaha. but that means. 2 more tests for political science! 1 more final for History! 1 more final for Human Sexuality! and 2 more drawing sessions for Life Drawing! yee. Surprisingly I am not as stressed as I usually am. :] GOOD NEWS FOR ME. :] HURRAY. AHHA

BTW TINA LAM. If you are reading this... I FREAKIN MISS YOUR FACE AND YOU NEED TO CALL ME. ASAP. k? go!

Later Days.
PEACE OUT CUB SCOUT. :] ..\\ // live long and prosper. janiceOUT. HAH :] love that movie. OKAY BYEEE.

PS. I miss you Randolphin!♥

[15] And the beat goes on;

2009-05-24T02:13:00.000-07:00

Whether I like it or not ...

As I was saying in my last post, I have a numerous amount of pent up emotions and feelings; I don't know if I can truly handle it anymore. On one hand I feel like I am losing control of my life and it's starting to fall apart, but on the other hand I feel like my life is only just beginning. Of course, I'd like to believe that my life is only beginning and I have a bright future ahead. And as much as I would love to be optimistic about my life and what's in store for me, I just can't get that nagging feeling off of my chest. But it's not only that, it's the fact that this feeling comes and goes. It's like right when I start to think positively about my life and what's going on, this feeling of stress and anxiety comes rushing in to steal this positivity away from me before I can even grasp it.

I am not going to lie, my life is not all that bad. I have both of my parents who love and support me [most of the time], a huge family, a few good friends, I'm going to school and I admit I'm living pretty comfortably; most would say that, that is a good life and yet I am still struggling. To be honest, I can't even pinpoint what I'm struggling with, but I do know that I am struggling. Most def. I guess what makes it bad is that I tend to put things on my list of priorities that shouldn't even be there and what SHOULD be there is either last on my list or not even there at all.

Maybe one of my problems is, is that I am not entirely sure of who I am. I have yet to truly find myself. I claim to be a bunch of things, but are they really me? Who am I? Honestly, I'm not so sure. What makes up a person? How do you figure out who you are? I always tell people that they'll find themselves someday, but I haven't even found myself yet [at least, I don't think I have].

I am twenty years old and I still don't know who I am. I mean, this probably isn't the most horrible thing but I don't know I guess it just really bothers me. Lately, I've met a bunch of new people; I find it extremely hard to introduce myself and I am not sure why. I guess what it comes down to is I don't know who I am. So, how do I introduce myself to someone if I'm not sure what it is that makes me.. me?

"Hi, I'm Janice, but I can be whoever you want me to be." Can that even work? Maybe, for a short amount of time. But then I just become that person who I'm introducing myself to. And no one wants to meet themselves... right? Does any of this makes sense? I don't know.

I just really have no clue what to do anymore. I want to be confident in who I am, but every time I try I realize that whoever I am at that moment isn't really who I am. It's like I'm a chameleon trying to blend into my surroundings. Is that a good or bad thing?

Life is tough, but then again no one said it would be easy. I'm done for now.

By the way, phone tag sucks. Someone call me now. kthnx.

-- Janice♥

P.S. Randolph Permejo, I still miss you incredibly. Be safe. :]

Nostalgic, most def. [14]

2009-05-22T04:39:00.000-07:00

Something's Got To Give.

Okay, so I have to write this as quick as I can because I'm falling asleep so here it goes:

I never really know how I feel. Well, that's a lie; I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions and have been that way for a few weeks on end now [I'm just not sure how to express them ]. I am most definitely confused about everything that has been going on, but I've learned how to keep my "brave face" on at all times [whether or not that is a good thing, I am not quite sure]. One thing I have realized in the past few weeks is that I am definitely stronger than I thought I was but I am also not as strong as I would like to be [for me, it's an ongoing process and I am, for sure, working at it everyday a little at a time].

I have [for the longest time] put a lot of blame, for a lot of things in my life, on myself. And you know what? I am most def tired of doing that. I need to learn that a lot of things are not my fault; although [don't get me wrong] somethings, I admit, are in fact my fault. But for the things that are not, I think that I am ready to take the burden of blame off my shoulders and place it on someone else's, the rightful owner of this blame, shoulder.

At this very moment, I am filled with so many pent up emotions/feelings right now that I may very well explode; but my brave face is on and I cannot, I will not let myself fall short.

Alright. Well, I can no longer keep my eyes open for very long, so this blog will be updated later today.

P.S. Randolph Permejo, I miss you.

I can't seem to get a hold of myself; [13]

2009-05-17T03:04:00.000-07:00

Can't even explain what goes on around me ..

Today was a good and bad day. I went to IMPACT in Norwalk at Norwalk High. I went to watch Randolph's last performance before he has to leave for the Philippines. He was singing with Cathy and they sang their original, "Goodbye", and it just fit. Everyone started crying/tearing up; I am sad to see him go. I know I haven't known him for very long, but he is really an inspiration! :[ I'm going to miss you Randolph. Come back soon. Love.

-----------------

So, I know I wrote the quote "I love you, I love you, I love you. One for the past, one for the present, and one for the future" wrong in my post about you. But I meant to write it wrong, and the reason for that is: I don't want anyone to know what you really said, even though its not much different ... but those words were meant for me to hear .. and no one else.. and that's why. Yeah .. :\

I know I said in my last post that I was tired of thinking about what was going on. And truth is I am tired of thinking about it, but it does not stop me from doing so. I miss you, and I wish that you would talk to me again. I still don't know what happened to tell you the truth. It all just happened so quickly. I'm not sure what to think of it .. You may not want to talk or ever see me again .. but just know that I am always here for you.. no matter what .. I don't even think you'll read this .. yeah .. okay.. goodnight..

Heart To Heart. [12]

2009-05-11T01:55:00.000-07:00

Well I'll hide all the bruises, I'll hide all the damage that's done; but I'll show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.

I'm not sure how I feel as of right now [currently, I am on a roller coaster of emotions and feelings]. Today was definitely not a good day. Regrettably, I am letting these past situations dictate myself [ as well as my life ]. I couldn't even bring myself to class today, I was so apathetic [except the fact that I started to cry.] I didn't go to school because of how I felt emotionally [I am quite ashamed of myself for this matter, because that is just pathetic]. I am still really confused as to what happened, but today people have made me realize that I can no longer let this "govern" my life [sometimes I wish they were wrong. Oh, how I wish they were wrong.] Today, I had a few heart-to-heart conversations and a few slaps in the face, all of them telling me what I needed to hear [ and definitely not what I wanted to hear].

I have been feeling quite alone as of late. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to but I was proven to be quite wrong. After a much needed nap [well it was more of a sleep than a nap because it was from like 9am-5pm], I talked to a friend [and past boyfriend who has become a close friend, sorta] and immediately he knew what I was going to talk about [he knows me so well, hah]. Basically, he told me the same thing he's been telling me for quite some time. It was somewhere along the lines of "move on" but in a whole lot of different words. While I was talking to him, I began talking to another friend [I have never actually met him, but from the beginning we've kind of always talked about "serious" things] and he gave me some insight about my current situation. I never meant to bring my problems up with these two, but it just happened and I'm kind of glad that it did.They let me vent out my current frustrations, even though they have their own problems to worry about. Then, later on, I talked to Tina [I think I go to her with virtually every problem I have. I'm sorry Tina D; I love you ] She always knocks some sense into me. and even though I hated that she was right... the fact of the matter is .. she was right, she always has been. :( [ Oh, Tina. If only I listened to you earlier] I realized that I'm letting situations govern my life. and it is honestly getting the better of me. While talking to Tina, I was talking to another friend [ironically his name is Eddie] and he basically called me out on my stupidity [major kick to the stomach when I was already downnnn on the ground. ] & the reason why it hurt was because, again, he was right. He then stated a saying of the sort that has stuck and it went something like "does it once, shame on him. does it twice, shame on you." So, yes shame on me. Anyway... although it hurts, I know what I need to do. So, thanks guyyys. I love you. :]

---- ^^ this happened a few days or something ago. but i never finished.

so .. my birthday came and past. and now its done. It's been the best and worst birthday thus far. I did not get what I wished for. This year, I did not wish for material things. I did not even have a list. This year, I wished for one thing: that you would talk to me today; even if it was just to say, "Happy Birthday". But my wish, unfortunately, did not come true. Thanks.

It's still hard, but I'm going to stop letting it run my life. honestly, I'm too tired to think of this bullshit anymore. I'm going to bed. ...

happy birthday to me ....

Everlong. [11.]

2009-04-28T15:09:00.000-07:00

Breathe out/So I could breathe you in/Hold you in..../And I wonder/When I sing along with you/If everything could ever feel this real for ever/If anything could ever be this good again.

[I told you I would write this again. So, here it is whether you like it or not. Even if you don't read this, here it is. ]
Like before, this song was on repeat until I couldn't take it anymore, but I still ended up listening to it. In fact, I'm listening to it as I am writing this. This still is and will always be my favorite song that you played [ I'd like to think that you played and will only play it for me.]. It still gives me the same feeling as it did the first time I heard you play it. I would do anything to hear it again. I can only hope that one day you will be willing to play it for me. I'm not quite sure what to write at this point. Forgive me if this blog is all over the place, as my feelings at this moment are, too, all over the place.

To be honest, I feel really confused about all that happened; it all just happened really fast. I thought we were doing pretty well. I'm sorry for crying when we spent time together. It wasn't because I wasn't ready; it was because well its hard to explain. It's really an emotional thing for girls [well.. some girls]. Our first time was amazing, but I didn't feel like I was able to be emotional about it. I'm not sure what triggered it, but it just felt different the last time, amazing but different. I'm sorry that it wasn't that way for you. I honestly just don't know what happened. At first you say its not about me and that its about you. But, how it ended wasn't that way at all. It seems like in the end it was about me, like always [ only this time, I'm not sure why. ]. I just don't understand; I really wish we could talk, because I really would like to know [ but i guess i don't get that choice ]. I'm sorry for everything, and being such a waste of time.

Three years, six months, one week, and three days.
The roughest, most aggravating, frustrating, upsetting, most amazing, wonderful relationship I've ever had. Everything and then some. I was happy, unfortunately you weren't. Our relationship was definitely not easy, but it was worth every heartache, confusion, and tear that I had. I really wish it wasn't over.

I'm not sure what I can say [or if there is anything I can say ] that would make you want to talk to me again. But I also know that I'm not the only one at fault; I think there is more than one person to blame. I've always told myself that I would never change for anybody, no matter how much I loved them; they were just going to have to love me for me. But then you came along, and I wanted to change; for you, for me, for us. And I admit that I wanted things about you to change as you did for me. I just find it funny that you wanted me to be more open but at the same time you weren't really that open with me. I'm sorry that I never actually changed in time for you to really care. I know I could have done better, but I did try very hard. I guess it was too late. I'm sorry.. this is really hard .. I don't even know if you are going to read this. You don't want to talk any longer, but at the same time, while I'm writing this, I'm contemplating whether or not I should send this to you anyway because I want you to know how I feel. Maybe you've heard all these things already, I don't know. But I want you read it.

We've broken up so many times, gotten back together so many times. I wish it was just one of those times, but its not. Apparently, you're done. We're on different pages in our lives. You're grown up and getting your life started while I'm still growing up, looking for an open door. You've experienced things, and I'm still experiencing. You don't know if there will ever be another chance for us to even talk, and I'm trying to grasp onto any last strand of hope that may be left.

Like I said before, relationships are confusing especially ours. We've tried numerous times to makes things work but it always seemed to fail. We've changed, we're continuing to change. It just hurts to know that our relationship didn't change with us. We've been through hell and back--a lot of ups and downs; and now you're ready to let me go, you're ready to let everything go, everything. I don't understand how you could, how is it so easy for you? I only wish that you didn't want to shut me out of your life, but its your life and you can do whatever you choose [I won't stop you. ]

For the longest time, I was convinced that I didn't need you, that I was strong and independent; but I was wrong. [ Boy, was I wrong. ] Truth is, I need you. I needed you then, I need you now. I was just afraid of being vulnerable, but it seems as though I am more vulnerable now than I ever was. I should have never been afraid. I treated you horribly because of it. I sincerely and honestly regret all that I have done to you [I wish I could take it back, but unfortunately I can't. ] I know you would never hurt me intentionally; and for that I apologize with all that I am.

It's been really tough lately, for both of us. There have been a lot of things going on [ a lot ] I kind of wish I never told you the things I did; although I knew I had to, I just wish I would have waited. And I kind of regret telling you the first thing I told you. I know you have a lot of things going on in your life right now, but you should also know that you aren't the only one. I was only trying to be there for you, like you've always asked for. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel really lost; I'm going insane. I'm trying really hard to respect your wishes, but it is extremely difficult for me [extremely ]. You were the only one that I actually talked to, and now I am not able to do that. It's just really hard. I've had this coming, I know.

Thank you for everything; listening to me, being there for me, talking to me, making me feel like I meant something, caring about me, and loving me. Thank you for being my confidant, my everything.

I wish I could say that I deserve another chance, but I know I don't. But I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and consider talking and becoming friends.

These are the only words I could muster up as I try to hold back from crying. Maybe another day when its easier.. I'll write more. Don't forget me. I hope one day you'll talk to me again.

"I love you, I love you, I love you. One for the past, one for the present, one for the future." -- always meant the world to me.

[and in case I don't talk to you by then ... Happy Birthday.]

Miss me alot ..
Eddie, I love you.

For Lack of a Better Word [10] [day 3]

2009-04-24T00:42:00.000-07:00

Somewhere down the line, you'll remember that I existed.. but I can only hope.

Day three was not easier. In fact, it was harder ... a lot harder. I haven't slept in almost a week [maybe bout 8 hours in the past 144 hours, or 6 days ]. Anxiety and depression is most definitely taking the better of me. I think it's affecting me in every way possible; as far as family, friends, relationships, church, and school. Today, I really didn't feel like doing anything; I laid in bed from maybe 2am - 6am [of course, I didn't go to sleep ] and then I left for school. I arrived a little bit earlier than usual [I hate Tuesdays and Thursdays, because I have to leave at 6 to get parking for my class at 9 ]. I was contemplating whether or not to go home and bum it out, because I definitely did not want to be there. But I didn't want to miss class today because I've missed a class already; so I went to class. This proved to be a dumb idea, because even my teacher noticed that I wasn't my usual self. We stepped outside, and he asked me if I was okay. Of course, I gave the usual response. "Oh, yeah I'm fine. I guess I'm just tired today." He gave me a sketchy look, and in his British accent replied, "Okay, but if you need to go home it would be quite alright." I should have taken that hint to go home, but I didn't; I toughed it out and stayed. As soon as class ended I rushed home, feeling really sick. I bummed around the house a little, and around 5 I laid in bed. I was supposed to be reading; actually, I was supposed to be reading all week, but do you know how many pages I've gotten done? None. I'm lacking motivation now. Anyway, emotions got the better of me and I started crying till about 6pm, and then I actually fell asleep; I didn't wake up till about 11pm. and now I'm here writing this stupid thing that no one reads, but I still write in hopes that you're reading this. and this is the only way I can talk to you.. If you're not reading this then .. well .. I'm dumb [ I think I'm a little pathetic, or maybe a lotta bit ]. I'm here, but mentally I am somewhere else .. err.. I don't feel like writing anymore ... bye..

Unrequited Love ..

Easier Said Than Done. [Nine] [Day 2]

2009-04-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

Smack Into You.

It's the end of day 2, and its 12:45am. Today definitely was not easy. I feel anxious and depressed. I think I am making the biggest decision in my life thus far right now, but I have no one to talk to about it. I am scared to death, but at the same time completely looking forward to it. But I still need someone to talk me through it. I don't mean to sound lame and immature but I really need a hand to hold at the moment. Today, in my human sexuality class, we had a guest speaker. His name was Kyle, and he is a transgender. It was really interesting, I think I learned a lot. I've always thought myself to be a pretty open minded person, but I think today I am more so than I was before. His story was really intriguing; I loved that he was excited about his life and loved it so much that he would talk to others about it openly. He was talking about how he was confused about his life. and it kind of hit home because I'm confused about my life [ perhaps not in the same way he was confused, but confused nonetheless ]. I am kind of at a crossroads in my life right now; I'm not completely sure where my life is headed [ especially now ].

I don't know if my major of choice is the right one for me, but at the same time I think that it is. I also feel like I chose Graphic Design because this is all I know [and to be honest, I don't know much ] but I also want to create something to share. I know that I don't have to be a Graphic Designer to create something... but I don't know. I guess that's what I want to do. Sounds confusing =|.

Today, someone asked me if I was happy with my life. I could have told the truth and told them what was really on my mind, but I said, "Yeah, sure." To be honest, no I'm not happy. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with certain things in my life but not happy with my life in general. I think it could be a lot better. So why did I lie? I guess because nothing would come out of it. I'd say, "No, I'm not happy," and then what? It's kind of pointless in my opinion. Because people don't generally care, but there are the exceptions. In my opinion, I feel like people only ask those types of questions because they want to seem like they care when they really don't. But I guess I could be wrong. Like I said, there are the exceptions.

I'm kind of tired .... but of course, I can't sleep... What else is new...?

I hope day 3 is better than today...

Uneasy. [eight] [day 1]

2009-04-21T23:57:00.000-07:00

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.

Day one is winding down, and to be quite honest I am going insane. I still have yet to sleep, besides a quick nap today [honestly, it was the best nap I have ever had ]. I hated the fact that I had to wake up; I wanted to sleep forever, not only because I was exhausted but because I was able to get away. But I also hated going to sleep because it means that I dream about you [not that I don't want to dream about you, it just hurts too much when I do ]. I really don't know what to do anymore. I am confused. I have so many emotions going through me right now, and I have no one to talk to about them [ not that I need you to always be there for me; I don't want to be a burden and seem dependent upon you I just want someone to listen, even if you don't care ] -sigh.. I am seriously going insane; I feel like at any minute now I'll have a breakdown. I really am not sure if I can go through with this.

I love you ....

Getting the Shaft. [seven]

2009-04-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

Depressed, stressed, distressed, tired, anxious, upset, mad, sad, exhausted, uncomfortable, nostalgic, and definitely not happy.

It is 4:50am as I write this. I have yet to sleep for the past two days. I am exhausted, but I can't sleep not with everything that has been going on.

This was definitely a bad weekend with semi-sweet moments and 3 exams to end it. I went to Las Vegas this weekend. It was lame. The ride there? lame. The ride back? Also, lame but I guess there was some good moments; like the fact that I got to be a kid again playing games and winning stuffed animals but that was a bittersweet moment. I felt alone for most of the trip. It was just.. lame. ugh. At first, I thought it would be a chance to forget things and get away for awhile as my life has been on FML mode [of course there were some really good moments] for quite some time; I just wanted to get away. Let me tell you, that was definitely not what happened; it was actually the complete opposite. In fact, I'm still trying to process what actually happened.

I know you've explained it [more than once], but its still hard to truly understand what is going on between us [or rather lack thereof ]. I love you, I'm IN love with you [no matter how many people think I am dumb or try to get me to think otherwise]. Okay, it's not about me; it's about you. I get it, really. But don't you see? This affects both of us. Therefore, it IS about me as well [whether or not you choose to believe it ]. You said you've always felt alone, that you have no one, and that you wish someone would just put you first; but when I try to be there for you, try to be your "someone", and put you first you push me back into the shadows away from you [maybe not completely, but it's still pretty far away ]. I know you could stop talking to me and completely shut me out of your life, but this isn't much better either. Sure, we are still talking and don't get me wrong I am definitely glad we are, but it's just really hard [I know this has all been on repeat for awhile, but I guess i don't really understand what's going on. I'm trying to understand, really. -sigh.. ]. I know things have been really tough with school, your family, and financially lately; and while I can't do much about school and money, I can help with these personal wars you're having [at least, I can try ] but I can only do that if you let me. I have been trying particularly hard just like you asked. I just don't know what to do, or what I can do, anymore. I think as of late, I have been extremely understanding of you being busy, but it hurts to realize that there is no longer any room for me on your list of priorities [I guess in some way or another, I probably just deserve all of what is going on. Perhaps, I just had it coming.. ]. I just don't know. and about what I said I wanted to do. I want to, I really do but I have more than one motive. And I am not sure if having more than one motive [other than me just wanting to ] affects your decision of wanting to. I don't know what I want anymore ... I don't know anything ... [-sigh..]

It's 6 am and I still can't sleep. I think I'm going to take a drive ..

[hoping for a better day ]

-- janice.

house.

2009-02-28T05:40:00.000-08:00

I love hugh.

Unstuck.

2009-02-14T02:50:00.000-08:00

Overwhelmed; Exhausted; Directionless; Hopeless; Battle-Torn; Worthless; Alone.

"ALL LEADERS, TEAMS, AND INDIVIDUALS WHO ASPIRE TO BE GREAT, GET STUCK. THAT SAID, NOT ALL INDIVIDUALS WHO GET STUCK ARE WILLING TO ADMIT THAT THEY'RE STUCK. IF WE WANT MORE PEOPLE TO BE GREAT, WE HAVE TO FIRST ERASE THE STIGMA OF BEING STUCK--SO MORE PEOPLE WILL ADMIT THEY ARE. THERE ARE ONLY TWO POLAR FORCES IN LIFE THAT REALLY COUNT--Love AND Fear. WHEN YOU'RE OPERATING OUT OF Love, AND TRULY REACHING OUT TO THE WORLD, TRYING NEW THINGS, AND LIVING UP TO YOUR POTENTIAL--THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE MOST LIKELY TO GET STUCK, BECAUSE YOU'RE DEEPLY CHALLENGING THE STATUS QUO. THOSE OF US WHO STAY STUCK, DO SO BECAUSE WE'RE PARALYZED BY Fear. WE'VE LEARNED THAT GETTING STUCK REQUIRES STARING OUR FEAR IN THE FACE, AND RELENTLESSLY LEANING INTO IT. STARING Fear IN THE FACE, THE CHALLENGE THEN IS TO FIND ONE SLIVER OF OPPORTUNITY TO DEFEAT THAT FEAR--AND OFTEN, THAT BREAKTHROUGH IS OUR OPENING TO GET UNSTUCK. FROM THERE IT'S ABOUT SYSTEMS THINKING, SYSTEMS THINKING, SYSTEMS THINKING. THE BIGGEST LESSON WE'VE LEARNED IS THAT GETTING UNSTUCK REQUIRES A KIND OF LEVITY OF BEING. OR PERHAPS MORE SIMPLY SAID: Have more fun."

Teach me.

2009-01-19T05:13:00.000-08:00

Change is the only constant.

Change is inevitable; I know that. I just wish that I knew when it was going to come. I wish that for once life would give me a break and be like "Hey, something is going to change and this is what you're going to do about it". Unfortunately, life doesn't give breaks. I just wish that I were more open to these changes. And by that I mean, I wish I were able to adjust to changes and not dwell over the fact that things are different. I want to get on with my life. I know you're thinking, what's so bad about change? Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with change; maybe it's just me. I have a few fears in my life: change, being alone, and the dark. I guess what I'm afraid of is the type of change that will lead to me being alone; and recently, I've been getting that kind of change; it's in every aspect of my life: religion, family, friends, relationships, school, and even work [or lack thereof ].

Don't get me wrong, lately I've been having the time of my life. I have new friends; and while they're great and wonderful people, I can't call any of them best friends. By that I mean, I can't completely confide in them about my life [Well, I guess I could but I choose not to. Only because I haven't known them for very long and I find it a little awkward to pour out my life story when I've only known them for a short period of time; not to mention that this has been the greatest short period of time in my life.]. I guess what it comes down to is I just want my best friends back, plain and simple. And the worst part is they don't even care, and I can't blame them; they have their own lives and I have mine [sort of ]. I just wish I was still a part of their lives, but I'm happy that they're happy and I wish them all the best. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I want them back; and maybe I'm being a little [or maybe a lot ] selfish, but I don't know. I guess it's just a little heart-wrenching.

As far as my family goes, its not really bad I guess I just miss them. My sister Michelle has been living on her own for a few years now; she was my best friend. I mean I shared a room with her for half of my life! My brother Peter just recently moved out a few months ago; and while we're not as close as I am with Michelle, I miss him [and not just because he helped me with my art projects; although that was a plus! ]. Also, I never really get to see my parents. They go to work in the mornings until the evenings, I usually have evening/night classes, and on the weekends they're off doing choir things for Cursillo [ I know its good for my mom, I just miss her ]. And then there's my other sister, she's alright. We always fight, but we kind of forget about it the next hour and then we're okay [it's a love/hate relationship ]. Her kids are alright too [even though they're monsters, I still have love for them.]. And I'm pretty close to my cousins, so that's okay too [we're a tightly knit fambam.]. I miss Ông, Bac Thanh, and Hung [ Rest in Paradise, we miss you.]. I guess it's not as bad in that aspect.

What is there to say about school? It just sucks and I wish I could quit, but I'm excited for it to get started again. This semester I vow to be strong, procrastinate less, and apply myself more. If I don't, you can punch me in the face. :] No joke. I really need to start concentrating. I need to finish!

I need to get a job. I don't like these temporary jobs nor do I like working seasonal. I want to be kept. :[ -sigh. I want a "normal" job.

Relationships are confusing, especially ours. We're constantly changing, although we don't think we are. We've been through so many things. I don't know how to take a step back. Actually, to be honest, I thought we were taking a step forward; but I guess I was wrong. I hope we can make it through this storm, I really do. I love you, more than you know.

Religion; that's always a touchy subject for me. Only because it's so important to me. If it's so important to me, why do I keep making up lame excuses to not go? I'm a sorry excuse for a Catholic, but I know that You will not forsake me. I know that I can trust in You, believe in You, give my everything to You; You are my foundation, my strength, my sanity. I will find a way to get back to You [I have to, I need to.].

Medicine is finally kicking in .. good morning.

Later days.

Refiner's Fire.

2008-12-19T04:14:00.000-08:00

Am I really as strong as I make myself seem to be?

So, I haven't written in here for awhile. [well, I guess I never really wrote here.] I always make blogs [whether its on here, livejournal, or even xanga (throwback, ain't it?)] but I never continue writing in them after the first or second post.

I don't know what it is but I hate having the feeling of people reading what goes on in my mind. [even if you don't know me, or you know me really well, for that matter] I just don't like to be an open book for all to read. I'm that book in the back of the library that's all dusty, the one that nobody has opened to read, and if it is opened well .. good luck to you, buddy. That's like opening up Pandora's box. I just I get all nervous, when it comes to being open. I guess what I'm afraid of is being judged. Basically, I complain a lot. I'm a worry wart, and I'll pretty much talk about being stressed and depressed. [but maybe on a good day, I'll write something amazing. One day.] I have nothing interesting to talk about, and I'm afraid that people will think that I'm dumb. But really, in reality, there's no one actually here to read this maybe a select few but that's about it.

What's the big deal, Janice? It's not like they're going to say things to you .. or will they?
Yeah, I don't know. The thing is I like to write out things stupid or not. It feels good when I write blogs. [even if I erase and delete them afterwards. God knows how many times I've done that.] But at the same time, I always want to write something perfect, something poetic without trying to be. I wish I was articulate; but let's face it, I can wish for a million things and they're not going to come true, right? Right. I even try to put my best grammar and spelling into my blogs. Why? Honestly, I don't know. I guess one day I want to come back to this blog and think to myself: "I was intelligent." Why? Again, I don't know.

Anyway, moving on ...
Jeremy's [or you may know him as Passion] version of Refiner's Fire, featuring a local rapper, EmceeMiko, has been on repeat for a few times. I always find myself trying to analyze songs without really knowing it. I guess it's because I yearn to write lyrics, but have yet to do so. But this time it was different; the song moved me, every single word. Although the whole song was amazing, the part that stood out to me the most was EmceeMiko's flow. I've been all out of whack with my faith in God lately. I've actually skipped church a few times in the passed few months. I know that He is always standing beside me with open arms. but I always feel like I am not deserving of His love and forgiveness. I mean.. I'm not and yet He is still here, walking beside me every step of the way. I always say I need someone hold my hand through things and that no one is ever there holding my hand but "Refiner's Fire" always reassures that God is holding my hand. I don't even know why I've missed church. I always make up lame excuses to not go, but everytime I do go life never seemed so easy to deal with. Whenever I go to church, every problem, stress, burden is lifted off my shoulders and I feel so at peace. It's like when I walk through the church doors, He's standing there holding back the stress, the problems from following me into church letting only my spirit and soul reside within me for as long as I am in there. I don't know about you, but that is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. and I don't think I can get that anywhere else ...

sleepless nights.

2008-09-25T05:35:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been thinking ... [Oh, great. Again?] Yeah, again.

I'm tired; my body is tired. But most of all, my mind is tired. I've been drifting off into a daze lately, thinking about what could be, or maybe what could have been. I'm still confused with where I want my life to be. Sometimes, when I'm off in a daze, I start thinking about what my life would be like if I continued going to the Art Institute. I have realized that I am quick to leave when things get tough. I start to think "well this is hard, what else could I do? What's something else I want because this isn't easy like I want it to be? [Haven't you heard of the saying, "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going"?] Yeah, well .. my version of that is "When the going gets tough, I get going." I know that's really an awful thing to say/do and that it will never get me anywhere in my life but I don't know how to cope with things that are hard for me. When I was younger, my mom did everything for me and when I got hurt, she'd kiss my booboos away. But now its like although she'll try her best to help me, it is ultimately going to have to be me trying, me mustering up the strength that my parents have built within me throughout my nineteen years, four months, and fifteen days of life to try harder and go where I want to go, be where I want to be, and do whatever i need/want to do. *sigh* All I can do is pray that God gives me the guidance I need to follow in the path that He has set for me.

later days.

-- janice.

"Do it already"

2008-09-16T07:01:00.000-07:00

Those words have been running through my mind all day long. It had nothing to do with my life, or at least a big part of my life. Why is it that it consumes my being now?

Lately, I've been contemplating what my next move will be; I never plan things out. Why? Because I never know where to start. I always feel like something is eating me up inside, but, of course, I never know what it is. I stress and stress and stress all the time. And over what, you ask? If I ever find out, you'll be the first to know. It's hard to write out my thoughts because (this probably won't make sense) I can't form the words that I'm thinking.

When you think about things, how do you think about it? Do they show up in your mind in words? In colors? In shapes? Forms? Numbers? I don't know what I'm talking about, but it just doesn't make sense to me. How do you form the ideas, the thoughts that you are thinking about? If you know, please let me know.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a doctor; just like every other kid. But then I realized that I was scared of blood; if you really know me you'll find this ironic. So then, I wanted to become a Lawyer, but learned that I could not lie for shit. And then my cousin became a dentist, so, of course, I wanted to become a dentist and then I thought about how disgusting it would be too look at people's decaying teeth. ;[ I couldn't do it. And then like any other child, I wanted to become a teacher, but I hate school so that was no. That's when I met the computer, and I was pretty good at it. So I wanted to become graphic designer, because I enjoyed doing web design. I still enjoy it. But I'm beginning to realize that I'm not very good at it.. any of it. I'm not as good as I thought I was. DAMN THAT SOURCE. I'm at a point in my life right now where I do not know where I want to be in the future.

And that got me thinking ...

Well "WTH" what am I going to do with my life? I don't want to be going to school forever, that isn't in my plan. But what IS in my plan? What am I going to do? Who do I want to be? I honestly don't know who I am. I know who I want to be, but that consists of many MANY things. And I have thoughts and plans of how to get to those certain things but that would mean I'd have to take a million paths. But I know they would make me happy.. so .. "do it already" yeah I know right? but where do I start?