Refiner's Fire.

Am I really as strong as I make myself seem to be?

So, I haven't written in here for awhile. [well, I guess I never really wrote here.] I always make blogs [whether its on here, livejournal, or even xanga (throwback, ain't it?)] but I never continue writing in them after the first or second post.

I don't know what it is but I hate having the feeling of people reading what goes on in my mind. [even if you don't know me, or you know me really well, for that matter] I just don't like to be an open book for all to read. I'm that book in the back of the library that's all dusty, the one that nobody has opened to read, and if it is opened well .. good luck to you, buddy. That's like opening up Pandora's box. I just I get all nervous, when it comes to being open. I guess what I'm afraid of is being judged. Basically, I complain a lot. I'm a worry wart, and I'll pretty much talk about being stressed and depressed. [but maybe on a good day, I'll write something amazing. One day.] I have nothing interesting to talk about, and I'm afraid that people will think that I'm dumb. But really, in reality, there's no one actually here to read this maybe a select few but that's about it.

What's the big deal, Janice? It's not like they're going to say things to you .. or will they?
Yeah, I don't know. The thing is I like to write out things stupid or not. It feels good when I write blogs. [even if I erase and delete them afterwards. God knows how many times I've done that.] But at the same time, I always want to write something perfect, something poetic without trying to be. I wish I was articulate; but let's face it, I can wish for a million things and they're not going to come true, right? Right. I even try to put my best grammar and spelling into my blogs. Why? Honestly, I don't know. I guess one day I want to come back to this blog and think to myself: "I was intelligent." Why? Again, I don't know.


Anyway, moving on ...
Jeremy's [or you may know him as Passion] version of Refiner's Fire, featuring a local rapper, EmceeMiko, has been on repeat for a few times. I always find myself trying to analyze songs without really knowing it. I guess it's because I yearn to write lyrics, but have yet to do so. But this time it was different; the song moved me, every single word. Although the whole song was amazing, the part that stood out to me the most was EmceeMiko's flow. I've been all out of whack with my faith in God lately. I've actually skipped church a few times in the passed few months. I know that He is always standing beside me with open arms. but I always feel like I am not deserving of His love and forgiveness. I mean.. I'm not and yet He is still here, walking beside me every step of the way. I always say I need someone hold my hand through things and that no one is ever there holding my hand but "Refiner's Fire" always reassures that God is holding my hand. I don't even know why I've missed church. I always make up lame excuses to not go, but everytime I do go life never seemed so easy to deal with. Whenever I go to church, every problem, stress, burden is lifted off my shoulders and I feel so at peace. It's like when I walk through the church doors, He's standing there holding back the stress, the problems from following me into church letting only my spirit and soul reside within me for as long as I am in there. I don't know about you, but that is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. and I don't think I can get that anywhere else ...

sleepless nights.

Lately I've been thinking ... [Oh, great. Again?] Yeah, again. 

I'm tired; my body is tired. But most of all, my mind is tired. I've been drifting off into a daze lately, thinking about what could be, or maybe what could have been. I'm still confused with where I want my life to be. Sometimes, when I'm off in a daze, I start thinking about what my life would be like if I continued going to the Art Institute. I have realized that I am quick to leave when things get tough.  I start to think "well this is hard, what else could I do? What's something else I want because this isn't easy like I want it to be? [Haven't you heard of the saying, "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going"?] Yeah, well .. my version of that is "When the going gets tough, I get going." I know that's really an awful thing to say/do and that it will never get me anywhere in my life but I don't know how to cope with things that are hard for me. When I was younger, my mom did everything for me and when I got hurt, she'd kiss my booboos away. But now its like although she'll try her best to help me, it is ultimately going to have to be me trying, me mustering up the strength that my parents have built within me throughout my nineteen years, four months, and fifteen days of life to try harder and go where I want to go, be where I want to be, and do whatever i need/want to do. *sigh* All I can do is pray that God gives me the guidance I need to follow in the path that He has set for me.

later days. 

-- janice. 

"Do it already"

Those words have been running through my mind all day long. It had nothing to do with my life, or at least a big part of my life. Why is it that it consumes my being now? 

Lately, I've been contemplating what my next move will be; I never plan things out. Why? Because I never know where to start. I always feel like something is eating me up inside, but, of course, I never know what it is. I stress and stress and stress all the time. And over what, you ask? If I ever find out, you'll be the first to know. It's hard to write out my thoughts because (this probably won't make sense) I can't form the words that I'm thinking. 

When you think about things, how do you think about it? Do they show up in your mind in words? In colors? In shapes? Forms? Numbers? I don't know what I'm talking about, but it just doesn't make sense to me. How do you form the ideas, the thoughts that you are thinking about? If you know, please let me know. 

What do you want to be when you grow up? 

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a doctor; just like every other kid. But then I realized that I was scared of blood; if you really know me you'll find this ironic. So then, I wanted to become a Lawyer, but learned that I could not lie for shit. And then my cousin became a dentist, so, of course, I wanted to become a dentist and then I thought about how disgusting it would be too look at people's decaying teeth. ;[ I couldn't do it. And then like any other child, I wanted to become a teacher, but I hate school so that was no. That's when I met the computer, and I was pretty good at it. So I wanted to become graphic designer, because I enjoyed doing web design. I still enjoy it. But I'm beginning to realize that I'm not very good at it.. any of it. I'm not as good as I thought I was. DAMN THAT SOURCE. I'm at a point in my life right now where I do not know where I want to be in the future. 

And that got me thinking ...

Well "WTH" what am I going to do with my life? I don't want to be going to school forever, that isn't in my plan. But what IS in my plan? What am I going to do? Who do I want to be? I honestly don't know who I am. I know who I want to be, but that consists of many MANY things. And I have thoughts and plans of how to get to those certain things but that would mean I'd have to take a million paths. But I know they would make me happy.. so .. "do it already" yeah I know right? but where do I start?