Not sure.

and another one...

Not sure if this will be permanent ... but .. I've recently moved to tumblr. Find me here.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this..

but I'm going...

So, I have this blogpost that I've written, right? I haven't posted it yet due to the fact that I'm not exactly done with it. But I read it over.. and I'm not so sure if I want to post it. even if I ever get done. There are some things that I wrote on it.. and I'm not sure if I feel the same way. Although, my feelings on some of the topics at hand have not changed. Yeah, I don't know. Something outta nothing, I guess. This isn't going to be long. I just wanted to let those of you who read this, though I'm almost certain that it's no one, to know that I'm alive, barely, but nonetheless alive.

I also wanted to say this: I'm still not completely over you. I still hurt; I still feel the pain. But slowly, its gonna go away. And I know that one day, when I do get over you [which I hope is soon] I'll just be THAT much more stronger and THAT much more happy. I'm still in love with you, but sooner or later [preferably sooner] I won't be. & I can't wait for that to happen.

Maybe I'll write again, in this thing. Who knows.

I wish you were invisible ..

'cause when you're visible, I feel miserable.

I've been lacking sleep since friday the 9th. Ever since I've watched Paranormal Activity, I've been rather paranoid. I sleep a little, but only in the day time, and only when people are present. This obviously poses a slight problem since I have school during the daytime. -.- I know its just a movie. but ugh. Psychological Thrillers? Definitely not the business. It most certainly did its job though. Slasher films still scare me not gonna lie, but not as much as this movie. -.- I don't know. Hopefully, I'll get over it and get some sleep soon.

I'm not sure how I feel right now .. lost and insecure. mosdef. I'm at a loss for words when I try to describe how I feel. I'm not sure if you read this anymore .. but I'm going to write this to you anyway .. I'm hurting a lot more than I expected. I miss you, I wish things didn't end up the way they did. As much as I tell myself I shouldn't, I want you in my life and I want to be in your life. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Gravity.

"Am I supposed to be torn-apart, broken-hearted, in-a-corner crying? Pardon me if I don't show it."

It is now October 7th. Happy this-could-have-been-4-years Anniversary. Lol. hahahaha. whatevs. :]

So anyway, it's been a minute since I last wrote on this thing. To be honest, I just have nothing to write about. I haven't been doing anything really exciting since my last post. As of the past month and some odd days, I've been pretty busy with school. But, I know you're just dying to know what I've been doing so ... short recap:

- I went to IAG on August 27. I was right. I haven't been able to go again since then. It was nice seeing everybody though. :] I love them. every single one. I can't tell you what happened that night, because... well.. I don't remember. hahaha. :]

- Turns out I didn't have any money for Music Speaks. which I was bummed about. but maybe another time.

- I've become a lot more focused with piano. Right now, I'm learning to play Yanni - One Man's Dream. I've been wanting to learn this song for about 10 years now, I think. :] first page down, three more to go!

- uh.. I've gone on some dates...? lol Boys with braces are not cute. HAHAHA. well cute.. but not.. CUTE. nahmean? creeper. Uhm. some were good. others.. not so good. either way. whatever. lol..... interesting... very interesting ..

- I've been wayyyyy busy with school. mainly.. focusing on two of my classes.. which are 2D Design and Painting. I LOVE LOVE LOVE 2D design. its my favorite class so far... painting? not so much. I'm not really good at it. but 2D design? AMAZING. I find myself just doing my homework for fun. even though its not dueee. That says a lot about the class! hahaha. but we're going to start painting in that class starting next week .. not sure how I feel about that... I guess we'll see how it goes.

That is all. I'm tired. I should be sleeping. i have to study. D; i'll write more later.. perhaps.

29. Enough For Now.

"Breathing comes in pairs, except for twice: one begins and one's goodbye."

Ello. :]

So lately, it's been a musically packed, fun-filled, stressful few weeks. Academically, it's been shit but whatever. I need to reclaim my life and not let it claim me. I've been stressing out to the point where I don't sleep for a few days. Honestly, I'm still stressed out, but I'm hoping it'll all calm down soon.

So I wrote this paragraph exactly one month ago. It's been sitting there waiting for my return! My life has been the same. Academically its been tough but musically its been amazing. AMAZING. I have basically been on summer break due to school complications. To be quite honest, it was a break I needed. mosdef. I haven't written on here in such a long time. I've never really had much to say. Even now, after so long--after doing so many things--I still don't have much to say.

My last blog was so exciting. hahah I look at it and I can't help but smile [sorry this blog wont be as exciting]. I did so many things that month and I didn't even write about the more EXCITING things I did. :] So what am I gonna do? I'm gonna tell you about them of course!!! :]]]

July 23rd, :]] -- IAG's One Year Anniversary!
One year?! how awesome is that? I don't know what it is but I love the feeling of being able to be a part of something so amazing. I remember the first time I went to It's A Grind. I didn't really know anyone except Bryan and Mel, and a few others. It was awkward, but as time went on these people--every single person who has blessed us with their amazing talent-- have become another family to me. From jamming out to eating dinner family style. I love these people and its been a year that this has been going on. I am lucky to be a part of this. Anyway! the anniversary was awesome! the turn out was AMAZING. It was a full house, opacity was reached AND THEN SOME. and it spilled to the outside where there was tent and about 50 more people. I met some amazing people, played a game or two of Ninja and got to hang out with some good friends. :]] Oh and I forgot to mention the music! Duh, that was the whole point of the thing. Amazing talent filled the night, one after the other. and then we went to In N Out afterwards to eat. and I got to meet and hang out with Alyssa Bernal along with some other amazing people. . :] awesome!

July 25th -- Featured.Acoustic.Playlist!
I'm not gonna lie. FAP was a little bit of a bust for me. Note to self: Don't volunteer to be on staff. hahaha. Its okay though, after all is said and done it was an amazing night of music. The stage was filled with tons of talent. and I am proud to say that these people are my friends. :] A little bummed that we couldn't hang out afterwards but still a good night! :]]]

July 29th -- The FRAY!! @K:!L@#K! L#K !@#$)!@(#$KL:F!!!! aksdjflaksdjfa s
Okay so if you haven't already noticed ... a lot of my blog titles are song titles. and a lot of those song titles are The Fray's song titles. So, if you can't already tell. I love love love The Fray. I have to get my daily dose of them at least once a day if not more. They are the one group that hasn't changed since going mainstream. nahmean? They're still the same. only more amazing! Anyway, I was lucky enough to have a brother who knows me well. a few days prior I had the best wake up text EVER. I remember going to bed in a bad mood and then the next morning I woke up to something like "hey janice, do you want to go see the fray?" Of course, I said yes. but that message was sent an hour or so before I woke up. so when I finally woke up I responded excitedly with "YESSSSS PLEASE!" and my cousin then responded with.. " Oh your brother already got you a ticket." SERIOUSLY?! I love my brother not gonna lie. he knows me well. He said, "I wanted to take you because I know you'd appreciate it". I did I really really did. This concert was like... the one thing that I needed. School has been stressful, money has been tight. and I mean honestly this lifted my spirits like no other. So anyway, the night came. traffic was a bust but we got there in time to see the opening act! :] Jack's Mannequin! They were really good. :]] and my brother and I were like "this group sounds like Something Corporate" and my cousin proceeded to laugh and tell me that the lead singer is from Something Corporate. DUH! -.- what a fail hahaha. but yeah. I'm not gonna lie. Our "seats" were pretty crappy. hahahah. They were lawn seats. but the concert was still SOOOO BOMB. REAL TALK. ugh. I still can't get over how amazing it was. We stood there in the lawn for awhile, but then my cousins and brother sat down but I just stood there and I literally sang every single song. I brought my camera but I was unprepared. and didn't bring enough memory. So I didn't get to record everything. but I got my favorites! :]]] Isaac Slade has THE most amazing voice ever. Swooooon. He did a cover of Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror [rest in paradise] and then covered Kanye West's Heartless! AAAAAAMMMAAZZING. [I'm still excited.. can you tell? :DDDD] gah. I bought a shirt. hahaha. :]] we waited in traffic for about an hour or so to get out of the parking lot. THE END. I will remember this night forever. Thanks Anh Ba♥

August 13th -- IAG with AJ Rafael and Melissa Polinar! :]
So, IAG is usually filled with amazing talent. and this night was one of them. Of course, with AJ Rafael comes a million fangirls ahhaha. D; It was a full house again but when is IAG not packed? Everyone chilled, jammed outside cause we couldn't all fit inside. and It was just a fun night again. I had a good conversation with AJ. and it was bomb. I met some more lovely people and as always listened to some amazing people and their musicssss. Afterwards, we went to Ten Ten and ate some chinese food family style and laughedddd all night long. :] It was a good night. Love these people.

August 20th -- the Valley adventure with Loris and Christopping! My favoritesss.
So, I don't get to see my sister, Michelle, often. She lives pretty far and she's usually really busy. So the only time I really get to see her is if she comes home for a visit but that's only like once or twice a month. So, I decided to give my sister a visit and I brought along Loris and Christops. :]] Traffic was a major bust. haha. but its okay. :] We finally got to my sister's house and we chilled a bit. We learned some basic things about recording, got to listen to some of my sister's originals, and just laughed. We had an INTENSE singing/voice lesson session. lol Screaming at the tops of our lungs. and just when we thought it would never end, my sister took us out to eat. hahaha. She took us to a place called Gyu-Kaku, a Japanese bbq restaurant. :] It was bomb. and then we went back to her place and then we got to chill with my FAVORITESSSS, Cha'n Andre and Andre Hall. :] They're my sister's roommates. I love love love them. Cha'n is one of the most talented people I know, and I am fortunate enough to have him in my life. He is like a brother to me. We've "been through hell and back". No joke. And Andre? well.. hehehe. Loris knows why he's my favorite. HAHAHHAAHHA. put on blast -.- anyway. Cha'n made us each sing. ahahha. how nerve-racking. Loris sang Melissa Polinar's Brave Face with my dad's guitar which means a lot, and Christopping sang John Legend's So High. Both were amazing :] and then Cha'n asked me to sing.. He's never heard me sing before, and while I'm usually too shy to do anything I mustered up enough courage and sang his favorite. And although I pretty much butchered the song, he enjoyed it and that's all that mattered. :] We had a really good conversation with Cha'n. And i think we all realized or learned something. :] That's always good. Then we were on our way home! sorta. hahaha. Loris, Christops, and I had a fun ride home. I almost killed them, that's always fun. -.- AHHA SORRY. stupid GPS. -.- we talked and laughed. and talked. We went to drop off Christops first but eventually stayed for an hour before actually going home hahahahah. We laughed alot. UGH i love these two. and I miss them alottttt. Whenever we're together, we never stop laughing. Real talk. never. and then I dropped off Loris and went home! the end.

Today is thursday. Know what that means? IAG! :]] Probably my last one for awhile. Sigh. but Music Speaks is on Saturday so I'm pretty excited about that. School starts on Monday, so I'm living it up until then.

This is what I've been up to lately. :] Had some REALLY amazing times. mosdef. I can't wait for more times like these.

It seems that life has been treating me better. I'm not gonna lie, I do have those days still where I just want to scream and cry but things are getting better I think. God has definitely been good.

I'm still stressed. A lot of it is about school. Once Monday comes around, I need to crack down. I definitely won't be going out as much. At least I'll try not to. I don't know. I'm kinda of excited about school but at the same time I'm dreading it. I'm taking.. Spanish, Earth Science, Painting, and 2D design. I'm definitely nervous about these art classes. I'm not sure what to expect. I'll be making my appointment with my counselor and a transfer counselor very soon. Hopefully we'll figure out a plan, and give me the peace of mind i most definitely need. I'm so nervous about meeting and talking to them. I hope this doesn't come out to be a disappointment. I need a plan. seriously. I'm about ready to pull out my hair. Sigh. Until then I'm praying.

I have a lot on my mind right now but at the same time.. i don't? I don't know. I just.. don't know where to start. You're back in my life now. I haven't decided what I think of it just yet. I'm still a little scared, but I'm hoping that this won't turn out to be a bust. I'm hoping for the best for now ... who knows what will happen.

I don't really feel like writing anymore, I'm getting tired. Maybe I'll update this later. Goodnight.

28. Happiness damn near destroys you;

breaks your faith to pieces on the floor. So you tell yourself, that's enough for now. Happiness has a violent roar. Happiness is like the old man told me: "Look for it, but you'll never find it at all. Let it go, live your life and leave it. Then one day, wake up and she'll be home. Home, home, home."

This past week I've been feeling a little under-the-weather. It's been sunny and beautiful outside. And me? Well, I've been moping, and whatever, around. I just .. I still just need relief. I'm waiting for it.. Luckily, I got a little relief the weekend of the fourth and last week and weekend! :]

It started on Friday the 3rd; I drove down with Chris [Adoboy] to San Diego for a meeting with the btvfam for an upcoming show [F.A.P -- which btw you should all go to!]; and although I didn't exactly want to drive all the way down there, I did and it was okay. :] It was more of a hangout than a meeting. hahah. way to get business done. We went over some details of the show and then we chilled and talked for a bit. Afterwards, we hit up Lefty's Pizza and it was pretty good. Food coma for days, but good! :] thanks to Conrad for the suggestion. I REMEMBER HIS NAME NOW LORIS! :]]]] See, I'm not THAT horrible with names. cute too. ahahahaha. We chilled for a little afterwards and then I drove home the end of friday!

Saturday, July 4, 2009 was by far the best July 4th I've EVER had.. EVER! BOMB! literally. lollololasdfol :] Earlier in the afternoonish time, my aunt and her kids came over. We had a little BBQ and then we watched the local parade from my backyard and just chilled. Around 5:30 ish, Michelle, Henry, and I went BACK down to San Diego and we went to Naval Base Point Loma [a submarine base].

[The beach on the way there!][Boobies! :]]] HAHAH. well Boob and a 1/2]Henry was part of the base way back when and his friend George or.. "G" was Lieutenant and he supervised the big .. bomb. bomb! or something. So we went to visit, took a tour of the place. The thing that interested me the most was the "sinking building" by the submarines! lol tight! We ate a little bit and grubbed on hot dogs and hamburgers and RED VELVET CAKE. ughhh. bomb. and then we just chilled some more. around 9PM we watched like 6 different fireworks shows from the harbor! It was amazing.
[This was our view from the top of the hill. Beautiful.] You could hear the music from the club all the way in the harbor. I don't even know how to explain it. It was just amazing. and then we went home, which took like 3 hours due to traffic! boo. but amazing night nonetheless! Many bombs. :]

Sunday was pretty good too! :] My cousin Tracy came down to visit from Chicago with her husband Jaieeee and AVAGIRL! :] It was Ava's 1st birthday!She's a little cutie! She's a chinky white girl. Cutest thing you have EVER seen! Real talk. I just want to take her home... forever! We ate and chilled and ate and chilled. Annie made dessert like always haha. and then she brought out Ava's birthday cake.

LOOK AT HER! She's so adorable! After cake and presents we played taboo. We took turns trying to figure out the words. And eventually we began acting them out. Then it was Tracy and my turn [ we were partners ]. I made the mistake of getting the words "crochet" and "croquet" mixed up. I started acting out "crochet" so I began to pretend to be knitting and such. Then, Tracy looked at me and was like.. wth are you doing. and I looked at the word and realized it was "croquet". And I got all embarrassed so I ran away "I don't want to play anymore!!!" and then yelling "don't laugh at me" from behind the wall in the kitchen AHHAHAHAHA. I got made fun of all night long for that. Oh, I'm so lame. After the game was over a few of us went to Guppies in Hacienda Heights so that Jaie could try it for the first time! :]]] We got shaved ice and brick toast. :] yum. The end of Sunday!

Monday was whatever. I stayed at home and babysat.

On Tuesday, I went to class. Astronomy is lame. :[ And then, there was another BTVfam/FAP meeting. Only this time it was in Cerritos [still kinda far but THANKFULLY it wasn't in SD. Otherwise, I wouldn't have gone. haha] I drove down kind of early so I met up with Loris, who was studying at Starbucks. I attempted to study but that didn't really happen. At around 7pm, Jae, Loris, Mel, Amanda and I met up at Mr. Lee's KBBQ and ate dinner. Then we got our flyers to distribute. Honestly, they never really are actual meetings; they're more like hang-outs.

Thursday I went to school, and then to It's A Grind Open Mic Night. :] Everybody and their momma came. It was so crowded. :] Full of amazing people, and amazing music. And then we chilled at Albertaco's afterwards. :] Guacamole is a NO. NEVER AGAIN. ugh. I still feel it bubbling. ;[ sigh. But we jammed forever that night at Albertaco's. Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Jason Mraz, Freestyling, everything. We had our own band too. 3 guitars, 1 ukulele, and a cajon. Bomb night of music. :]

Friday was a little bit of a bust. It started out good, but ended on a sour note. I went to Boiling Crab with my sister, her kids, and my brother. Attempted to sell tickets, but people were being a little stingy! D; and then we drove home. On my way out of the car to go into the house, I began searching myself for my keys because I remembered that I had them when I left the house. But then it dawned on me, I went to my car to grab the tickets and flyers before I left. So, I looked in the window of my car. Lo and behold, my keys sat, staring at me from the driver's seat, virtually slapping me in the face; I left my keys in the car. Now, I have a manual key. I don't have the ones with the button. So, whenever I get out of my car I would have to press the lock button on the door. This has become a habit for me; it's automatic for me now. I get out, press the lock button, and I'm on my way. The habit kicked me in the face that night. But whatever. I twittered it. and my cousins offered to come help me.

Saturday was better. My cousin, Tish came over in the AM/afternoonish time. And she called AAA for me to get my key. :]] Thanks Tish, I owe you big! And Aimee too. LOVE YOU. :]] After my sister, her kids, and I went to TGIFridays and ate dinner. Afterwards, I took the kids to watch Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. or something. In 3D. It was cute and funny. But we missed like the first 1/3 of it. It's okay though. I still liked it. :]

Sunday was fun, frustrating, and tiring. :] I was supposed to go to Venice Beach, but since it was a BEAUTIFUL day outside everyone and their mamas were there. So we had to go to Huntington Beach instead. :]
I was a little frustrated over that but whatever! It was a nice day. My sister, her boyfriend, her kids, and I went walking and bicycling for a few miles! :] Altogether 6-7 ish miles. my legs are dead. D; still. lol and then afterwards chilled at Malcom's house and then I went home. the end!

Just thought I'd update you on what I've been up to. I've had a lot on my mind lately but I'm not quite sure how to express how I feel. In time, I'll find the right words but until then these thoughts are crowding up in my mind. Be nice and let me vent out to you. :]

27. Someday when this is over,

we may still have no answer.

To be quite honest, I'm not in a good mood today and only one person knows why. Well maybe two. I feel a little out of it today. A lot has been going on in my life as of late. I try to talk to people about it but usually I bottle it up. I know that's not a good thing to do, but it's the only way to deal with things sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on my own eggshells, waiting for some kind of explosion. I'm falling apart and I just need relief. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get relief.

I said that I would stop letting certain things affect my life, but I think it's gotten worse. School is being pushed aside because of these certain things. and I am not down with that. I remember once when I tried taking interest in something because it was something you enjoyed. And I talked about it to you, and you told me not to steal other people's ideas and call them my own. honestly? you're the one to talk. -.- It irks me so much when I see just how hypocritical you really are. Also, I wasn't claiming that they were MY ideas, I was simply stating things that I had read and thought they were interesting concepts. Sometimes I think you need to grow up [not saying that I don't need to.] Also, when I refer to someone on here by saying "you" it doesn't always mean you. In this case, it does mean you. Make sense? good.

Anyway, this weekend was eventful to say the least. My cousin got married on Saturday. They are such a cute couple, no joke. I only wish is that I were closer to her like I am with the rest of my cousins. Then after the wedding reception I left around 11:20pm, and went home and got ready to hang out with someone! :] He was visiting because his cousin also got married and I was fortunate enough to spend all night with him. It was a good night, for the most part. Even though I had to drive every where and back and I was trying to not be shy haha. thanks for making me feel more comfortable. Even with everything that happened, I'm glad I got to spend time with you. :] I just hope we get to hang out again soon.. and talk more.

...back to you, it always comes around, back to you.

I finally cut off the bracelet that I have been wearing for quite some time now. For those of you who don't know, this is a huge deal for me. To many of you a bracelet is just a mere material object; this is true, but what's also true is that this bracelet means a lot to me. It symbolizes a lot of things: a past relationship, the good/bad times, hurt, pain, love, happiness, a smile, a poem, a song, a kiss, a hug, holding hands, a night with him, a day with him, HIM. You. Three years, six months, one week, and one day of my life; our life. I'm not saying that I finally realized that this was it, that it's officially over. But to me, it means that I want to move on. I want to be happy again, truly happy. I'm not going to lie; I'm still hurt over it, but I'm ready for the pain to go away. I've been ready, but never enough to do something about it not until now. I'm no longer in love with you, I don't love you, I care for you immensely, but you're done running my life. "You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains" That's done; no more of that. I may have not been completely ready to take it off, but I needed it. I needed to take action and just do it. I need to move on. Completely & Whole-heartedly. I'm not going to wonder if you'll ever talk to me again. You can sit and wonder if I'll ever talk to you. I'm done.

-- Later Days.