sleepless nights.

Lately I've been thinking ... [Oh, great. Again?] Yeah, again. 

I'm tired; my body is tired. But most of all, my mind is tired. I've been drifting off into a daze lately, thinking about what could be, or maybe what could have been. I'm still confused with where I want my life to be. Sometimes, when I'm off in a daze, I start thinking about what my life would be like if I continued going to the Art Institute. I have realized that I am quick to leave when things get tough.  I start to think "well this is hard, what else could I do? What's something else I want because this isn't easy like I want it to be? [Haven't you heard of the saying, "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going"?] Yeah, well .. my version of that is "When the going gets tough, I get going." I know that's really an awful thing to say/do and that it will never get me anywhere in my life but I don't know how to cope with things that are hard for me. When I was younger, my mom did everything for me and when I got hurt, she'd kiss my booboos away. But now its like although she'll try her best to help me, it is ultimately going to have to be me trying, me mustering up the strength that my parents have built within me throughout my nineteen years, four months, and fifteen days of life to try harder and go where I want to go, be where I want to be, and do whatever i need/want to do. *sigh* All I can do is pray that God gives me the guidance I need to follow in the path that He has set for me.

later days. 

-- janice. 

"Do it already"

Those words have been running through my mind all day long. It had nothing to do with my life, or at least a big part of my life. Why is it that it consumes my being now? 

Lately, I've been contemplating what my next move will be; I never plan things out. Why? Because I never know where to start. I always feel like something is eating me up inside, but, of course, I never know what it is. I stress and stress and stress all the time. And over what, you ask? If I ever find out, you'll be the first to know. It's hard to write out my thoughts because (this probably won't make sense) I can't form the words that I'm thinking. 

When you think about things, how do you think about it? Do they show up in your mind in words? In colors? In shapes? Forms? Numbers? I don't know what I'm talking about, but it just doesn't make sense to me. How do you form the ideas, the thoughts that you are thinking about? If you know, please let me know. 

What do you want to be when you grow up? 

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a doctor; just like every other kid. But then I realized that I was scared of blood; if you really know me you'll find this ironic. So then, I wanted to become a Lawyer, but learned that I could not lie for shit. And then my cousin became a dentist, so, of course, I wanted to become a dentist and then I thought about how disgusting it would be too look at people's decaying teeth. ;[ I couldn't do it. And then like any other child, I wanted to become a teacher, but I hate school so that was no. That's when I met the computer, and I was pretty good at it. So I wanted to become graphic designer, because I enjoyed doing web design. I still enjoy it. But I'm beginning to realize that I'm not very good at it.. any of it. I'm not as good as I thought I was. DAMN THAT SOURCE. I'm at a point in my life right now where I do not know where I want to be in the future. 

And that got me thinking ...

Well "WTH" what am I going to do with my life? I don't want to be going to school forever, that isn't in my plan. But what IS in my plan? What am I going to do? Who do I want to be? I honestly don't know who I am. I know who I want to be, but that consists of many MANY things. And I have thoughts and plans of how to get to those certain things but that would mean I'd have to take a million paths. But I know they would make me happy.. so .. "do it already" yeah I know right? but where do I start?