Change is the only constant.
Change is inevitable; I know that. I just wish that I knew when it was going to come. I wish that for once life would give me a break and be like "Hey, something is going to change and this is what you're going to do about it". Unfortunately, life doesn't give breaks. I just wish that I were more open to these changes. And by that I mean, I wish I were able to adjust to changes and not dwell over the fact that things are different. I want to get on with my life. I know you're thinking, what's so bad about change? Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with change; maybe it's just me. I have a few fears in my life: change, being alone, and the dark. I guess what I'm afraid of is the type of change that will lead to me being alone; and recently, I've been getting that kind of change; it's in every aspect of my life: religion, family, friends, relationships, school, and even work [or lack thereof ].
Don't get me wrong, lately I've been having the time of my life. I have new friends; and while they're great and wonderful people, I can't call any of them best friends. By that I mean, I can't completely confide in them about my life [Well, I guess I could but I choose not to. Only because I haven't known them for very long and I find it a little awkward to pour out my life story when I've only known them for a short period of time; not to mention that this has been the greatest short period of time in my life.]. I guess what it comes down to is I just want my best friends back, plain and simple. And the worst part is they don't even care, and I can't blame them; they have their own lives and I have mine [sort of ]. I just wish I was still a part of their lives, but I'm happy that they're happy and I wish them all the best. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I want them back; and maybe I'm being a little [or maybe a lot ] selfish, but I don't know. I guess it's just a little heart-wrenching.
As far as my family goes, its not really bad I guess I just miss them. My sister Michelle has been living on her own for a few years now; she was my best friend. I mean I shared a room with her for half of my life! My brother Peter just recently moved out a few months ago; and while we're not as close as I am with Michelle, I miss him [and not just because he helped me with my art projects; although that was a plus! ]. Also, I never really get to see my parents. They go to work in the mornings until the evenings, I usually have evening/night classes, and on the weekends they're off doing choir things for Cursillo [ I know its good for my mom, I just miss her ]. And then there's my other sister, she's alright. We always fight, but we kind of forget about it the next hour and then we're okay [it's a love/hate relationship ]. Her kids are alright too [even though they're monsters, I still have love for them.]. And I'm pretty close to my cousins, so that's okay too [we're a tightly knit fambam.]. I miss Ông, Bac Thanh, and Hung [ Rest in Paradise, we miss you.]. I guess it's not as bad in that aspect.
What is there to say about school? It just sucks and I wish I could quit, but I'm excited for it to get started again. This semester I vow to be strong, procrastinate less, and apply myself more. If I don't, you can punch me in the face. :] No joke. I really need to start concentrating. I need to finish!
I need to get a job. I don't like these temporary jobs nor do I like working seasonal. I want to be kept. :[ -sigh. I want a "normal" job.
Relationships are confusing, especially ours. We're constantly changing, although we don't think we are. We've been through so many things. I don't know how to take a step back. Actually, to be honest, I thought we were taking a step forward; but I guess I was wrong. I hope we can make it through this storm, I really do. I love you, more than you know.
Religion; that's always a touchy subject for me. Only because it's so important to me. If it's so important to me, why do I keep making up lame excuses to not go? I'm a sorry excuse for a Catholic, but I know that You will not forsake me. I know that I can trust in You, believe in You, give my everything to You; You are my foundation, my strength, my sanity. I will find a way to get back to You [I have to, I need to.].
Medicine is finally kicking in .. good morning.
Later days.
1 comment:
ayebaybaaay! <3 I FINALLY READ IT.
okay so, when i give advice, i try to speak from experience, because what good will your advice be if you haven't experienced it yourself, yaknow? & this loneliness thing? i totally know what you mean. i'm still kind of in that state.
all my best friends moved miles away from here. all of them. we all separated & some are on the east coast, some in the midwest, some in norcal, some in other states. it's intense. i've found myself alone in this town, in this school. btv honestly saved my college social life for a bit, but just like you, i can't call any of them best friends. at least, not at this point. it's iffy. from a different perspective, i always say, "it's good to have people worth missing."
i live in my room. i barely see my family. i'm stuck believing that i will keep those friendship bonds strong & thus i'm trapped online or on my phone. when my family goes out to eat, i find it hard to relate or talk to them. it's sad but i'm trying to come back.
school is whack cos i haven't made any legit friends. i've had those only-for-a-semester acquaintances. this semester, i have richard, which is weird because we've been going to school for 5 years now & this is the first time we consistently see each other.
i have no job. -_- period. so. yeah.
you're kinda on your own with that relationship, too. LOL.
& religion? we've talked about thaaaat.
janice, i care about you! the fact that you may not completely trust me is definitely understandable. but i think it helps to know that you're not the only one trying to adjust. tackle one thing at a time. maybe even pray about it. in fact, pray about it first. lol. love you girlll<3
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