Refiner's Fire.

Am I really as strong as I make myself seem to be?

So, I haven't written in here for awhile. [well, I guess I never really wrote here.] I always make blogs [whether its on here, livejournal, or even xanga (throwback, ain't it?)] but I never continue writing in them after the first or second post.

I don't know what it is but I hate having the feeling of people reading what goes on in my mind. [even if you don't know me, or you know me really well, for that matter] I just don't like to be an open book for all to read. I'm that book in the back of the library that's all dusty, the one that nobody has opened to read, and if it is opened well .. good luck to you, buddy. That's like opening up Pandora's box. I just I get all nervous, when it comes to being open. I guess what I'm afraid of is being judged. Basically, I complain a lot. I'm a worry wart, and I'll pretty much talk about being stressed and depressed. [but maybe on a good day, I'll write something amazing. One day.] I have nothing interesting to talk about, and I'm afraid that people will think that I'm dumb. But really, in reality, there's no one actually here to read this maybe a select few but that's about it.

What's the big deal, Janice? It's not like they're going to say things to you .. or will they?
Yeah, I don't know. The thing is I like to write out things stupid or not. It feels good when I write blogs. [even if I erase and delete them afterwards. God knows how many times I've done that.] But at the same time, I always want to write something perfect, something poetic without trying to be. I wish I was articulate; but let's face it, I can wish for a million things and they're not going to come true, right? Right. I even try to put my best grammar and spelling into my blogs. Why? Honestly, I don't know. I guess one day I want to come back to this blog and think to myself: "I was intelligent." Why? Again, I don't know.


Anyway, moving on ...
Jeremy's [or you may know him as Passion] version of Refiner's Fire, featuring a local rapper, EmceeMiko, has been on repeat for a few times. I always find myself trying to analyze songs without really knowing it. I guess it's because I yearn to write lyrics, but have yet to do so. But this time it was different; the song moved me, every single word. Although the whole song was amazing, the part that stood out to me the most was EmceeMiko's flow. I've been all out of whack with my faith in God lately. I've actually skipped church a few times in the passed few months. I know that He is always standing beside me with open arms. but I always feel like I am not deserving of His love and forgiveness. I mean.. I'm not and yet He is still here, walking beside me every step of the way. I always say I need someone hold my hand through things and that no one is ever there holding my hand but "Refiner's Fire" always reassures that God is holding my hand. I don't even know why I've missed church. I always make up lame excuses to not go, but everytime I do go life never seemed so easy to deal with. Whenever I go to church, every problem, stress, burden is lifted off my shoulders and I feel so at peace. It's like when I walk through the church doors, He's standing there holding back the stress, the problems from following me into church letting only my spirit and soul reside within me for as long as I am in there. I don't know about you, but that is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. and I don't think I can get that anywhere else ...