Everlong. [11.]

Breathe out/So I could breathe you in/Hold you in..../And I wonder/When I sing along with you/If everything could ever feel this real for ever/If anything could ever be this good again.

[I told you I would write this again. So, here it is whether you like it or not. Even if you don't read this, here it is. ]
Like before, this song was on repeat until I couldn't take it anymore, but I still ended up listening to it. In fact, I'm listening to it as I am writing this. This still is and will always be my favorite song that you played [ I'd like to think that you played and will only play it for me.]. It still gives me the same feeling as it did the first time I heard you play it. I would do anything to hear it again. I can only hope that one day you will be willing to play it for me. I'm not quite sure what to write at this point. Forgive me if this blog is all over the place, as my feelings at this moment are, too, all over the place.

To be honest, I feel really confused about all that happened; it all just happened really fast. I thought we were doing pretty well. I'm sorry for crying when we spent time together. It wasn't because I wasn't ready; it was because well its hard to explain. It's really an emotional thing for girls [well.. some girls]. Our first time was amazing, but I didn't feel like I was able to be emotional about it. I'm not sure what triggered it, but it just felt different the last time, amazing but different. I'm sorry that it wasn't that way for you. I honestly just don't know what happened. At first you say its not about me and that its about you. But, how it ended wasn't that way at all. It seems like in the end it was about me, like always [ only this time, I'm not sure why. ]. I just don't understand; I really wish we could talk, because I really would like to know [ but i guess i don't get that choice ]. I'm sorry for everything, and being such a waste of time.

Three years, six months, one week, and three days.
The roughest, most aggravating, frustrating, upsetting, most amazing, wonderful relationship I've ever had. Everything and then some. I was happy, unfortunately you weren't. Our relationship was definitely not easy, but it was worth every heartache, confusion, and tear that I had. I really wish it wasn't over.

I'm not sure what I can say [or if there is anything I can say ] that would make you want to talk to me again. But I also know that I'm not the only one at fault; I think there is more than one person to blame. I've always told myself that I would never change for anybody, no matter how much I loved them; they were just going to have to love me for me. But then you came along, and I wanted to change; for you, for me, for us. And I admit that I wanted things about you to change as you did for me. I just find it funny that you wanted me to be more open but at the same time you weren't really that open with me. I'm sorry that I never actually changed in time for you to really care. I know I could have done better, but I did try very hard. I guess it was too late. I'm sorry.. this is really hard .. I don't even know if you are going to read this. You don't want to talk any longer, but at the same time, while I'm writing this, I'm contemplating whether or not I should send this to you anyway because I want you to know how I feel. Maybe you've heard all these things already, I don't know. But I want you read it.

We've broken up so many times, gotten back together so many times. I wish it was just one of those times, but its not. Apparently, you're done. We're on different pages in our lives. You're grown up and getting your life started while I'm still growing up, looking for an open door. You've experienced things, and I'm still experiencing. You don't know if there will ever be another chance for us to even talk, and I'm trying to grasp onto any last strand of hope that may be left.

Like I said before, relationships are confusing especially ours. We've tried numerous times to makes things work but it always seemed to fail. We've changed, we're continuing to change. It just hurts to know that our relationship didn't change with us. We've been through hell and back--a lot of ups and downs; and now you're ready to let me go, you're ready to let everything go, everything. I don't understand how you could, how is it so easy for you? I only wish that you didn't want to shut me out of your life, but its your life and you can do whatever you choose [I won't stop you. ]

For the longest time, I was convinced that I didn't need you, that I was strong and independent; but I was wrong. [ Boy, was I wrong. ] Truth is, I need you. I needed you then, I need you now. I was just afraid of being vulnerable, but it seems as though I am more vulnerable now than I ever was. I should have never been afraid. I treated you horribly because of it. I sincerely and honestly regret all that I have done to you [I wish I could take it back, but unfortunately I can't. ] I know you would never hurt me intentionally; and for that I apologize with all that I am.

It's been really tough lately, for both of us. There have been a lot of things going on [ a lot ] I kind of wish I never told you the things I did; although I knew I had to, I just wish I would have waited. And I kind of regret telling you the first thing I told you. I know you have a lot of things going on in your life right now, but you should also know that you aren't the only one. I was only trying to be there for you, like you've always asked for. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel really lost; I'm going insane. I'm trying really hard to respect your wishes, but it is extremely difficult for me [extremely ]. You were the only one that I actually talked to, and now I am not able to do that. It's just really hard. I've had this coming, I know.

Thank you for everything; listening to me, being there for me, talking to me, making me feel like I meant something, caring about me, and loving me. Thank you for being my confidant, my everything.

I wish I could say that I deserve another chance, but I know I don't. But I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and consider talking and becoming friends.

These are the only words I could muster up as I try to hold back from crying. Maybe another day when its easier.. I'll write more. Don't forget me. I hope one day you'll talk to me again.

"I love you, I love you, I love you. One for the past, one for the present, one for the future." -- always meant the world to me.

[and in case I don't talk to you by then ... Happy Birthday.]

Miss me alot ..
Eddie, I love you.

For Lack of a Better Word [10] [day 3]

Somewhere down the line, you'll remember that I existed.. but I can only hope.

Day three was not easier. In fact, it was harder ... a lot harder. I haven't slept in almost a week [maybe bout 8 hours in the past 144 hours, or 6 days ]. Anxiety and depression is most definitely taking the better of me. I think it's affecting me in every way possible; as far as family, friends, relationships, church, and school. Today, I really didn't feel like doing anything; I laid in bed from maybe 2am - 6am [of course, I didn't go to sleep ] and then I left for school. I arrived a little bit earlier than usual [I hate Tuesdays and Thursdays, because I have to leave at 6 to get parking for my class at 9 ]. I was contemplating whether or not to go home and bum it out, because I definitely did not want to be there. But I didn't want to miss class today because I've missed a class already; so I went to class. This proved to be a dumb idea, because even my teacher noticed that I wasn't my usual self. We stepped outside, and he asked me if I was okay. Of course, I gave the usual response. "Oh, yeah I'm fine. I guess I'm just tired today." He gave me a sketchy look, and in his British accent replied, "Okay, but if you need to go home it would be quite alright." I should have taken that hint to go home, but I didn't; I toughed it out and stayed. As soon as class ended I rushed home, feeling really sick. I bummed around the house a little, and around 5 I laid in bed. I was supposed to be reading; actually, I was supposed to be reading all week, but do you know how many pages I've gotten done? None. I'm lacking motivation now. Anyway, emotions got the better of me and I started crying till about 6pm, and then I actually fell asleep; I didn't wake up till about 11pm. and now I'm here writing this stupid thing that no one reads, but I still write in hopes that you're reading this. and this is the only way I can talk to you.. If you're not reading this then .. well .. I'm dumb [ I think I'm a little pathetic, or maybe a lotta bit ]. I'm here, but mentally I am somewhere else .. err.. I don't feel like writing anymore ... bye..

Unrequited Love ..

Easier Said Than Done. [Nine] [Day 2]

Smack Into You.

It's the end of day 2, and its 12:45am. Today definitely was not easy. I feel anxious and depressed. I think I am making the biggest decision in my life thus far right now, but I have no one to talk to about it. I am scared to death, but at the same time completely looking forward to it. But I still need someone to talk me through it. I don't mean to sound lame and immature but I really need a hand to hold at the moment. Today, in my human sexuality class, we had a guest speaker. His name was Kyle, and he is a transgender. It was really interesting, I think I learned a lot. I've always thought myself to be a pretty open minded person, but I think today I am more so than I was before. His story was really intriguing; I loved that he was excited about his life and loved it so much that he would talk to others about it openly. He was talking about how he was confused about his life. and it kind of hit home because I'm confused about my life [ perhaps not in the same way he was confused, but confused nonetheless ]. I am kind of at a crossroads in my life right now; I'm not completely sure where my life is headed [ especially now ].

I don't know if my major of choice is the right one for me, but at the same time I think that it is. I also feel like I chose Graphic Design because this is all I know [and to be honest, I don't know much ] but I also want to create something to share. I know that I don't have to be a Graphic Designer to create something... but I don't know. I guess that's what I want to do. Sounds confusing =|.

Today, someone asked me if I was happy with my life. I could have told the truth and told them what was really on my mind, but I said, "Yeah, sure." To be honest, no I'm not happy. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with certain things in my life but not happy with my life in general. I think it could be a lot better. So why did I lie? I guess because nothing would come out of it. I'd say, "No, I'm not happy," and then what? It's kind of pointless in my opinion. Because people don't generally care, but there are the exceptions. In my opinion, I feel like people only ask those types of questions because they want to seem like they care when they really don't. But I guess I could be wrong. Like I said, there are the exceptions.

I'm kind of tired .... but of course, I can't sleep... What else is new...?

I hope day 3 is better than today...

Uneasy. [eight] [day 1]

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.

Day one is winding down, and to be quite honest I am going insane. I still have yet to sleep, besides a quick nap today [honestly, it was the best nap I have ever had ]. I hated the fact that I had to wake up; I wanted to sleep forever, not only because I was exhausted but because I was able to get away. But I also hated going to sleep because it means that I dream about you [not that I don't want to dream about you, it just hurts too much when I do ]. I really don't know what to do anymore. I am confused. I have so many emotions going through me right now, and I have no one to talk to about them [ not that I need you to always be there for me; I don't want to be a burden and seem dependent upon you I just want someone to listen, even if you don't care ] -sigh.. I am seriously going insane; I feel like at any minute now I'll have a breakdown. I really am not sure if I can go through with this.


I love you ....

Getting the Shaft. [seven]

Depressed, stressed, distressed, tired, anxious, upset, mad, sad, exhausted, uncomfortable, nostalgic, and definitely not happy. 

It is 4:50am as I write this. I have yet to sleep for the past two days. I am exhausted, but I can't sleep not with everything that has been going on. 

This was definitely a bad weekend with semi-sweet moments and 3 exams to end it. I went to Las Vegas this weekend. It was lame. The ride there? lame. The ride back? Also, lame but I guess there was some good moments; like the fact that I got to be a kid again playing games and winning stuffed animals but that was a bittersweet moment. I felt alone for most of the trip. It was just.. lame. ugh. At first, I thought it would be a chance to forget things and get away for awhile as my life has been on FML mode [of course there were some really good moments] for quite some time; I just wanted to get away. Let me tell you, that was definitely not what happened; it was actually the complete opposite. In fact, I'm still trying to process what actually happened.

I know you've explained it [more than once], but its still hard to truly understand what is going on between us [or rather lack thereof ]. I love you, I'm IN love with you [no matter how many people think I am dumb or try to get me to think otherwise]. Okay, it's not about me; it's about you. I get it, really. But don't you see? This affects both of us. Therefore, it IS about me as well [whether or not you choose to believe it ]. You said you've always felt alone, that you have no one, and that you wish someone would just put you first; but when I try to be there for you, try to be your "someone", and put you first you push me back into the shadows away from you [maybe not completely, but it's still pretty far away ]. I know you could stop talking to me and completely shut me out of your life, but this isn't much better either. Sure, we are still talking and don't get me wrong I am definitely glad we are, but it's just really hard [I know this has all been on repeat for awhile, but I guess i don't really understand what's going on. I'm trying to understand, really. -sigh.. ]. I know things have been really tough with school, your family, and financially lately; and while I can't do much about school and money, I can help with these personal wars you're having [at least, I can try ] but I can only do that if you let me. I have been trying particularly hard just like you asked. I just don't know what to do, or what I can do, anymore.  I think as of late, I have been extremely understanding of you being busy, but it hurts to realize that there is no longer any room for me on your list of priorities [I guess in some way or another, I probably just deserve all of what is going on. Perhaps, I just had it coming.. ]. I just don't know. and about what I said I wanted to do. I want to, I really do but I have more than one motive. And I am not sure if having more than one motive [other than me just wanting to ] affects your decision of wanting to. I don't know what I want anymore ... I don't know anything ... [-sigh..]

It's 6 am and I still can't sleep. I think I'm going to take a drive .. 

[hoping for a better day ]

-- janice.