It is 4:50am as I write this. I have yet to sleep for the past two days. I am exhausted, but I can't sleep not with everything that has been going on.
This was definitely a bad weekend with semi-sweet moments and 3 exams to end it. I went to Las Vegas this weekend. It was lame. The ride there? lame. The ride back? Also, lame but I guess there was some good moments; like the fact that I got to be a kid again playing games and winning stuffed animals but that was a bittersweet moment. I felt alone for most of the trip. It was just.. lame. ugh. At first, I thought it would be a chance to forget things and get away for awhile as my life has been on FML mode [of course there were some really good moments] for quite some time; I just wanted to get away. Let me tell you, that was definitely not what happened; it was actually the complete opposite. In fact, I'm still trying to process what actually happened.
I know you've explained it [more than once], but its still hard to truly understand what is going on between us [or rather lack thereof ]. I love you, I'm IN love with you [no matter how many people think I am dumb or try to get me to think otherwise]. Okay, it's not about me; it's about you. I get it, really. But don't you see? This affects both of us. Therefore, it IS about me as well [whether or not you choose to believe it ]. You said you've always felt alone, that you have no one, and that you wish someone would just put you first; but when I try to be there for you, try to be your "someone", and put you first you push me back into the shadows away from you [maybe not completely, but it's still pretty far away ]. I know you could stop talking to me and completely shut me out of your life, but this isn't much better either. Sure, we are still talking and don't get me wrong I am definitely glad we are, but it's just really hard [I know this has all been on repeat for awhile, but I guess i don't really understand what's going on. I'm trying to understand, really. -sigh.. ]. I know things have been really tough with school, your family, and financially lately; and while I can't do much about school and money, I can help with these personal wars you're having [at least, I can try ] but I can only do that if you let me. I have been trying particularly hard just like you asked. I just don't know what to do, or what I can do, anymore. I think as of late, I have been extremely understanding of you being busy, but it hurts to realize that there is no longer any room for me on your list of priorities [I guess in some way or another, I probably just deserve all of what is going on. Perhaps, I just had it coming.. ]. I just don't know. and about what I said I wanted to do. I want to, I really do but I have more than one motive. And I am not sure if having more than one motive [other than me just wanting to ] affects your decision of wanting to. I don't know what I want anymore ... I don't know anything ... [-sigh..]
It's 6 am and I still can't sleep. I think I'm going to take a drive ..
[hoping for a better day ]
-- janice.
No comments:
Post a Comment