Everlong. [11.]

Breathe out/So I could breathe you in/Hold you in..../And I wonder/When I sing along with you/If everything could ever feel this real for ever/If anything could ever be this good again.

[I told you I would write this again. So, here it is whether you like it or not. Even if you don't read this, here it is. ]
Like before, this song was on repeat until I couldn't take it anymore, but I still ended up listening to it. In fact, I'm listening to it as I am writing this. This still is and will always be my favorite song that you played [ I'd like to think that you played and will only play it for me.]. It still gives me the same feeling as it did the first time I heard you play it. I would do anything to hear it again. I can only hope that one day you will be willing to play it for me. I'm not quite sure what to write at this point. Forgive me if this blog is all over the place, as my feelings at this moment are, too, all over the place.

To be honest, I feel really confused about all that happened; it all just happened really fast. I thought we were doing pretty well. I'm sorry for crying when we spent time together. It wasn't because I wasn't ready; it was because well its hard to explain. It's really an emotional thing for girls [well.. some girls]. Our first time was amazing, but I didn't feel like I was able to be emotional about it. I'm not sure what triggered it, but it just felt different the last time, amazing but different. I'm sorry that it wasn't that way for you. I honestly just don't know what happened. At first you say its not about me and that its about you. But, how it ended wasn't that way at all. It seems like in the end it was about me, like always [ only this time, I'm not sure why. ]. I just don't understand; I really wish we could talk, because I really would like to know [ but i guess i don't get that choice ]. I'm sorry for everything, and being such a waste of time.

Three years, six months, one week, and three days.
The roughest, most aggravating, frustrating, upsetting, most amazing, wonderful relationship I've ever had. Everything and then some. I was happy, unfortunately you weren't. Our relationship was definitely not easy, but it was worth every heartache, confusion, and tear that I had. I really wish it wasn't over.

I'm not sure what I can say [or if there is anything I can say ] that would make you want to talk to me again. But I also know that I'm not the only one at fault; I think there is more than one person to blame. I've always told myself that I would never change for anybody, no matter how much I loved them; they were just going to have to love me for me. But then you came along, and I wanted to change; for you, for me, for us. And I admit that I wanted things about you to change as you did for me. I just find it funny that you wanted me to be more open but at the same time you weren't really that open with me. I'm sorry that I never actually changed in time for you to really care. I know I could have done better, but I did try very hard. I guess it was too late. I'm sorry.. this is really hard .. I don't even know if you are going to read this. You don't want to talk any longer, but at the same time, while I'm writing this, I'm contemplating whether or not I should send this to you anyway because I want you to know how I feel. Maybe you've heard all these things already, I don't know. But I want you read it.

We've broken up so many times, gotten back together so many times. I wish it was just one of those times, but its not. Apparently, you're done. We're on different pages in our lives. You're grown up and getting your life started while I'm still growing up, looking for an open door. You've experienced things, and I'm still experiencing. You don't know if there will ever be another chance for us to even talk, and I'm trying to grasp onto any last strand of hope that may be left.

Like I said before, relationships are confusing especially ours. We've tried numerous times to makes things work but it always seemed to fail. We've changed, we're continuing to change. It just hurts to know that our relationship didn't change with us. We've been through hell and back--a lot of ups and downs; and now you're ready to let me go, you're ready to let everything go, everything. I don't understand how you could, how is it so easy for you? I only wish that you didn't want to shut me out of your life, but its your life and you can do whatever you choose [I won't stop you. ]

For the longest time, I was convinced that I didn't need you, that I was strong and independent; but I was wrong. [ Boy, was I wrong. ] Truth is, I need you. I needed you then, I need you now. I was just afraid of being vulnerable, but it seems as though I am more vulnerable now than I ever was. I should have never been afraid. I treated you horribly because of it. I sincerely and honestly regret all that I have done to you [I wish I could take it back, but unfortunately I can't. ] I know you would never hurt me intentionally; and for that I apologize with all that I am.

It's been really tough lately, for both of us. There have been a lot of things going on [ a lot ] I kind of wish I never told you the things I did; although I knew I had to, I just wish I would have waited. And I kind of regret telling you the first thing I told you. I know you have a lot of things going on in your life right now, but you should also know that you aren't the only one. I was only trying to be there for you, like you've always asked for. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel really lost; I'm going insane. I'm trying really hard to respect your wishes, but it is extremely difficult for me [extremely ]. You were the only one that I actually talked to, and now I am not able to do that. It's just really hard. I've had this coming, I know.

Thank you for everything; listening to me, being there for me, talking to me, making me feel like I meant something, caring about me, and loving me. Thank you for being my confidant, my everything.

I wish I could say that I deserve another chance, but I know I don't. But I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and consider talking and becoming friends.

These are the only words I could muster up as I try to hold back from crying. Maybe another day when its easier.. I'll write more. Don't forget me. I hope one day you'll talk to me again.

"I love you, I love you, I love you. One for the past, one for the present, one for the future." -- always meant the world to me.

[and in case I don't talk to you by then ... Happy Birthday.]

Miss me alot ..
Eddie, I love you.