Everytime I hear your name; [16]

I want to scream out loud..
[ and not in a good way.. ]

Well, I still have some pent up emotions/feelings/thoughts, but I think they're different this time around. Things definitely happen for a reason. And although it is hard, I am okay with it. I think that I can say that I am finally content with myself [for the most part ] and what's going on. It's been a rough few weeks/months, but I've learned a lot about myself in the short amount of time; and I'd like to think that I have grown significantly in the last few weeks, and it is all because of .. well definitely not because of you.

It is 6:30am and I am not quite sure why I am writing this, or even why I am up at this time. I guess I cannot sleep, but I am not really that tired either. I kind of feel like working out [me? work out? hahah I know right? ]. lol but seriously, I really do. I need to change my life [ for the better ]. I am 20 years old and I am just beginning my life. I have realized that before I can be happy with someone else, I have to first be happy with myself. And you know what? I am ready. I'm ready to be happy, genuinely happy. No more quick fix happiness for me. I want to feel it, not just think it.

Actually, I am kind of happy already and its because of "you". I get excited whenever we talk, and I can't seem to wipe that cheesy smile off my face whenever "you" call. Especially when I get those random texts in the middle of the night from "you". :] I like this feeling; it's a good feeling. :] I've got the giggles. HAHA. so lame.

ANYWAY, last night I went on btv and Ron was on :] and he sang his song for me! It is such a good song [ although, I am not quite sure what it is called. But I call it the Mona Lisa ] hhah. It's cute. :] I love that kidd. real talk. I haven't seen him in such a long time, I miss him! gah!

I went to IAG Thursday night. It was fun. I have not been there in such a long time. And then afterwards, I went to have a late night dinner at 10pm with Mel, Karol and her friend Wayne, Conraddd, Deland, Melissa, some guy [I forget his name, ugh sorry. ] and my favorite, Bryan Keith! ♥. Amazing food. yum. :] and then afterwards we all walked to Yogurtland like a block away. And chilled forever. :] and walked back! The end! Amazing night. :] I have such talented friends!♥! lovee you all. :]]]

ONE MORE WEEK OF SCHOOL! YEE. and not at the same time. I need more time hahaha. but that means. 2 more tests for political science! 1 more final for History! 1 more final for Human Sexuality! and 2 more drawing sessions for Life Drawing! yee. Surprisingly I am not as stressed as I usually am. :] GOOD NEWS FOR ME. :] HURRAY. AHHA

BTW TINA LAM. If you are reading this... I FREAKIN MISS YOUR FACE AND YOU NEED TO CALL ME. ASAP. k? go!

Later Days.
PEACE OUT CUB SCOUT. :] ..\\ // live long and prosper. janiceOUT. HAH :] love that movie. OKAY BYEEE.

PS. I miss you Randolphin!♥

[15] And the beat goes on;

Whether I like it or not ...


As I was saying in my last post, I have a numerous amount of pent up emotions and feelings; I don't know if I can truly handle it anymore. On one hand I feel like I am losing control of my life and it's starting to fall apart, but on the other hand I feel like my life is only just beginning. Of course, I'd like to believe that my life is only beginning and I have a bright future ahead. And as much as I would love to be optimistic about my life and what's in store for me, I just can't get that nagging feeling off of my chest. But it's not only that, it's the fact that this feeling comes and goes. It's like right when I start to think positively about my life and what's going on, this feeling of stress and anxiety comes rushing in to steal this positivity away from me before I can even grasp it.

I am not going to lie, my life is not all that bad. I have both of my parents who love and support me [most of the time], a huge family, a few good friends, I'm going to school and I admit I'm living pretty comfortably; most would say that, that is a good life and yet I am still struggling. To be honest, I can't even pinpoint what I'm struggling with, but I do know that I am struggling. Most def. I guess what makes it bad is that I tend to put things on my list of priorities that shouldn't even be there and what SHOULD be there is either last on my list or not even there at all.

Maybe one of my problems is, is that I am not entirely sure of who I am. I have yet to truly find myself. I claim to be a bunch of things, but are they really me? Who am I? Honestly, I'm not so sure. What makes up a person? How do you figure out who you are? I always tell people that they'll find themselves someday, but I haven't even found myself yet [at least, I don't think I have].

I am twenty years old and I still don't know who I am. I mean, this probably isn't the most horrible thing but I don't know I guess it just really bothers me. Lately, I've met a bunch of new people; I find it extremely hard to introduce myself and I am not sure why. I guess what it comes down to is I don't know who I am. So, how do I introduce myself to someone if I'm not sure what it is that makes me.. me?

"Hi, I'm Janice, but I can be whoever you want me to be." Can that even work? Maybe, for a short amount of time. But then I just become that person who I'm introducing myself to. And no one wants to meet themselves... right? Does any of this makes sense? I don't know.

I just really have no clue what to do anymore. I want to be confident in who I am, but every time I try I realize that whoever I am at that moment isn't really who I am. It's like I'm a chameleon trying to blend into my surroundings. Is that a good or bad thing?

Life is tough, but then again no one said it would be easy. I'm done for now.

By the way, phone tag sucks. Someone call me now. kthnx.

-- Janice♥

P.S. Randolph Permejo, I still miss you incredibly. Be safe. :]

Nostalgic, most def. [14]

Something's Got To Give.


Okay, so I have to write this as quick as I can because I'm falling asleep so here it goes:

I never really know how I feel. Well, that's a lie; I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions and have been that way for a few weeks on end now [I'm just not sure how to express them ]. I am most definitely confused about everything that has been going on, but I've learned how to keep my "brave face" on at all times [whether or not that is a good thing, I am not quite sure]. One thing I have realized in the past few weeks is that I am definitely stronger than I thought I was but I am also not as strong as I would like to be [for me, it's an ongoing process and I am, for sure, working at it everyday a little at a time].

I have [for the longest time] put a lot of blame, for a lot of things in my life, on myself. And you know what? I am most def tired of doing that. I need to learn that a lot of things are not my fault; although [don't get me wrong] somethings, I admit, are in fact my fault. But for the things that are not, I think that I am ready to take the burden of blame off my shoulders and place it on someone else's, the rightful owner of this blame, shoulder.

At this very moment, I am filled with so many pent up emotions/feelings right now that I may very well explode; but my brave face is on and I cannot, I will not let myself fall short.

Alright. Well, I can no longer keep my eyes open for very long, so this blog will be updated later today.

P.S. Randolph Permejo, I miss you.

I can't seem to get a hold of myself; [13]

Can't even explain what goes on around me ..

Today was a good and bad day. I went to IMPACT in Norwalk at Norwalk High. I went to watch Randolph's last performance before he has to leave for the Philippines. He was singing with Cathy and they sang their original, "Goodbye", and it just fit. Everyone started crying/tearing up; I am sad to see him go. I know I haven't known him for very long, but he is really an inspiration! :[ I'm going to miss you Randolph. Come back soon. Love.

-----------------

So, I know I wrote the quote "I love you, I love you, I love you. One for the past, one for the present, and one for the future" wrong in my post about you. But I meant to write it wrong, and the reason for that is: I don't want anyone to know what you really said, even though its not much different ... but those words were meant for me to hear .. and no one else.. and that's why. Yeah .. :\

I know I said in my last post that I was tired of thinking about what was going on. And truth is I am tired of thinking about it, but it does not stop me from doing so. I miss you, and I wish that you would talk to me again. I still don't know what happened to tell you the truth. It all just happened so quickly. I'm not sure what to think of it .. You may not want to talk or ever see me again .. but just know that I am always here for you.. no matter what .. I don't even think you'll read this .. yeah .. okay.. goodnight..

Heart To Heart. [12]

Well I'll hide all the bruises, I'll hide all the damage that's done; but I'll show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.


I'm not sure how I feel as of right now [currently, I am on a roller coaster of emotions and feelings]. Today was definitely not a good day. Regrettably, I am letting these past situations dictate myself [ as well as my life ]. I couldn't even bring myself to class today, I was so apathetic [except the fact that I started to cry.] I didn't go to school because of how I felt emotionally [I am quite ashamed of myself for this matter, because that is just pathetic]. I am still really confused as to what happened, but today people have made me realize that I can no longer let this "govern" my life [sometimes I wish they were wrong. Oh, how I wish they were wrong.] Today, I had a few heart-to-heart conversations and a few slaps in the face, all of them telling me what I needed to hear [ and definitely not what I wanted to hear].

I have been feeling quite alone as of late. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to but I was proven to be quite wrong. After a much needed nap [well it was more of a sleep than a nap because it was from like 9am-5pm], I talked to a friend [and past boyfriend who has become a close friend, sorta] and immediately he knew what I was going to talk about [he knows me so well, hah]. Basically, he told me the same thing he's been telling me for quite some time. It was somewhere along the lines of "move on" but in a whole lot of different words. While I was talking to him, I began talking to another friend [I have never actually met him, but from the beginning we've kind of always talked about "serious" things] and he gave me some insight about my current situation. I never meant to bring my problems up with these two, but it just happened and I'm kind of glad that it did.They let me vent out my current frustrations, even though they have their own problems to worry about. Then, later on, I talked to Tina [I think I go to her with virtually every problem I have. I'm sorry Tina D; I love you ] She always knocks some sense into me. and even though I hated that she was right... the fact of the matter is .. she was right, she always has been. :( [ Oh, Tina. If only I listened to you earlier] I realized that I'm letting situations govern my life. and it is honestly getting the better of me. While talking to Tina, I was talking to another friend [ironically his name is Eddie] and he basically called me out on my stupidity [major kick to the stomach when I was already downnnn on the ground. ] & the reason why it hurt was because, again, he was right. He then stated a saying of the sort that has stuck and it went something like "does it once, shame on him. does it twice, shame on you." So, yes shame on me. Anyway... although it hurts, I know what I need to do. So, thanks guyyys. I love you. :]

---- ^^ this happened a few days or something ago. but i never finished.

so .. my birthday came and past. and now its done. It's been the best and worst birthday thus far. I did not get what I wished for. This year, I did not wish for material things. I did not even have a list. This year, I wished for one thing: that you would talk to me today; even if it was just to say, "Happy Birthday". But my wish, unfortunately, did not come true. Thanks.

It's still hard, but I'm going to stop letting it run my life. honestly, I'm too tired to think of this bullshit anymore. I'm going to bed. ...

happy birthday to me ....