[15] And the beat goes on;

Whether I like it or not ...


As I was saying in my last post, I have a numerous amount of pent up emotions and feelings; I don't know if I can truly handle it anymore. On one hand I feel like I am losing control of my life and it's starting to fall apart, but on the other hand I feel like my life is only just beginning. Of course, I'd like to believe that my life is only beginning and I have a bright future ahead. And as much as I would love to be optimistic about my life and what's in store for me, I just can't get that nagging feeling off of my chest. But it's not only that, it's the fact that this feeling comes and goes. It's like right when I start to think positively about my life and what's going on, this feeling of stress and anxiety comes rushing in to steal this positivity away from me before I can even grasp it.

I am not going to lie, my life is not all that bad. I have both of my parents who love and support me [most of the time], a huge family, a few good friends, I'm going to school and I admit I'm living pretty comfortably; most would say that, that is a good life and yet I am still struggling. To be honest, I can't even pinpoint what I'm struggling with, but I do know that I am struggling. Most def. I guess what makes it bad is that I tend to put things on my list of priorities that shouldn't even be there and what SHOULD be there is either last on my list or not even there at all.

Maybe one of my problems is, is that I am not entirely sure of who I am. I have yet to truly find myself. I claim to be a bunch of things, but are they really me? Who am I? Honestly, I'm not so sure. What makes up a person? How do you figure out who you are? I always tell people that they'll find themselves someday, but I haven't even found myself yet [at least, I don't think I have].

I am twenty years old and I still don't know who I am. I mean, this probably isn't the most horrible thing but I don't know I guess it just really bothers me. Lately, I've met a bunch of new people; I find it extremely hard to introduce myself and I am not sure why. I guess what it comes down to is I don't know who I am. So, how do I introduce myself to someone if I'm not sure what it is that makes me.. me?

"Hi, I'm Janice, but I can be whoever you want me to be." Can that even work? Maybe, for a short amount of time. But then I just become that person who I'm introducing myself to. And no one wants to meet themselves... right? Does any of this makes sense? I don't know.

I just really have no clue what to do anymore. I want to be confident in who I am, but every time I try I realize that whoever I am at that moment isn't really who I am. It's like I'm a chameleon trying to blend into my surroundings. Is that a good or bad thing?

Life is tough, but then again no one said it would be easy. I'm done for now.

By the way, phone tag sucks. Someone call me now. kthnx.

-- Janice♥

P.S. Randolph Permejo, I still miss you incredibly. Be safe. :]