Heart To Heart. [12]

Well I'll hide all the bruises, I'll hide all the damage that's done; but I'll show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone.


I'm not sure how I feel as of right now [currently, I am on a roller coaster of emotions and feelings]. Today was definitely not a good day. Regrettably, I am letting these past situations dictate myself [ as well as my life ]. I couldn't even bring myself to class today, I was so apathetic [except the fact that I started to cry.] I didn't go to school because of how I felt emotionally [I am quite ashamed of myself for this matter, because that is just pathetic]. I am still really confused as to what happened, but today people have made me realize that I can no longer let this "govern" my life [sometimes I wish they were wrong. Oh, how I wish they were wrong.] Today, I had a few heart-to-heart conversations and a few slaps in the face, all of them telling me what I needed to hear [ and definitely not what I wanted to hear].

I have been feeling quite alone as of late. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to but I was proven to be quite wrong. After a much needed nap [well it was more of a sleep than a nap because it was from like 9am-5pm], I talked to a friend [and past boyfriend who has become a close friend, sorta] and immediately he knew what I was going to talk about [he knows me so well, hah]. Basically, he told me the same thing he's been telling me for quite some time. It was somewhere along the lines of "move on" but in a whole lot of different words. While I was talking to him, I began talking to another friend [I have never actually met him, but from the beginning we've kind of always talked about "serious" things] and he gave me some insight about my current situation. I never meant to bring my problems up with these two, but it just happened and I'm kind of glad that it did.They let me vent out my current frustrations, even though they have their own problems to worry about. Then, later on, I talked to Tina [I think I go to her with virtually every problem I have. I'm sorry Tina D; I love you ] She always knocks some sense into me. and even though I hated that she was right... the fact of the matter is .. she was right, she always has been. :( [ Oh, Tina. If only I listened to you earlier] I realized that I'm letting situations govern my life. and it is honestly getting the better of me. While talking to Tina, I was talking to another friend [ironically his name is Eddie] and he basically called me out on my stupidity [major kick to the stomach when I was already downnnn on the ground. ] & the reason why it hurt was because, again, he was right. He then stated a saying of the sort that has stuck and it went something like "does it once, shame on him. does it twice, shame on you." So, yes shame on me. Anyway... although it hurts, I know what I need to do. So, thanks guyyys. I love you. :]

---- ^^ this happened a few days or something ago. but i never finished.

so .. my birthday came and past. and now its done. It's been the best and worst birthday thus far. I did not get what I wished for. This year, I did not wish for material things. I did not even have a list. This year, I wished for one thing: that you would talk to me today; even if it was just to say, "Happy Birthday". But my wish, unfortunately, did not come true. Thanks.

It's still hard, but I'm going to stop letting it run my life. honestly, I'm too tired to think of this bullshit anymore. I'm going to bed. ...

happy birthday to me ....